I’m not sure how, but my brain had been like a building library of interesting facts and information. Of course I didn’t know everything. But there was always a strong chance I might have something useful to add to the subject. However following my brain injury I’m more like a bumbling idiot. I confuse details and remember things incorrectly. Once it’s pointed out, I can back track and see where my error came from. But by then the damage has already been done and I’ve shown myself up, again.
I know it’s forgivable, but I still berate myself for it.
The problem is, unless I quote my “fact” to someone, who in turn points out my error, I can go on believing it for a long time. And in a way that can be more dangerous, so I have to show myself to be a bumbling fool to make sure I’m set straight. But all the while, my confidence is chipped away at. I mean, when you can’t even trust your own brain, what can you be confident about?
These can be simple things, that on one hand might not seem like a big deal. Just yesterday I claimed the M20 motorway runs into West London. It was just because my partner James and I drove past a road sign warning of delays on that road. But James tactfully corrected me, saying how to runs from Dover, on the South coast, to the M25 (the ring road around the outside of London). Hardly anything to worry about. But when this type of thing happens everyday, you can’t help but question yourself.
Everyday life can be impaired as a result.
It affects my ability the plan things well. I had been required to attend a meeting about my dad’s care on Friday just gone. This is in Somerset, and is almost a 200 mile drive for me so I now try to tie in other things at the same time. I arranged to see an old school friend that I had recently got back in touch with. I planned to attend the meeting, spend some time with dad, and then see my friend. Thinking ahead about the journey back, I had decided I would drive home in the evening to let the rush hour traffic get out of the way. Sounds like a pretty descent plan, doesn’t it?
However, the meeting got postponed, so there was no need for me to make the trip on that specific day. Nevertheless, I thought it would be good to see dad, and I wanted to catch up with my friend. So there was no harm in going still, was there?
But what this bumbling idiot hadn’t realised was that the Monday following that weekend would be a bank holiday! I knew there’s a bank holiday in the UK towards the end of May, but my stupid brain had decided that would be on the following Friday. The significance of this is the amount of traffic that always makes it’s way to the South West for extended weekends. So even though I started my journey late morning, I got caught in huge delays. The journey usually takes me 2.5 hours, but that time it was 4 hours.
I would make a terrible events organiser.
Don’t get me wrong, it was great to see my dad and my friend. But it made for a long day, which I’m still trying to recover from. If I had made it another day, I probably would have made it easier on myself.
I am functioning pretty well after my brain injury, but little things like this all build up. So I’m having to recognise that I can’t always be sure of myself. In Order of events disorientated. Another brain injury aftermath, I talk more about how I have to admit defeat sometimes. Perhaps that will stop me from ever being arrogant, which is a good thing. But I miss my uninjured brain. This feels like when someone who was very good at their job leaves, and their replacement is struggling to settle in. However, even though this brain hasn’t passed it’s probation, I can’t fire it.
For more information on why confusion happens and what you can do about it, visit Temporary Confusion or Decreased Alertness – Topic Overview.
Do you ever feel like a bumbling idiot following your brain injury? Or are you better are forgiving yourself?