fear Archives - Jumbledbrain

I’m not strong or brave, I didn’t choose this brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 11:22:09 +0000

Often when there isn’t really an answer to a subject, many of us have a habit of referring to well used phrases. (And yes I admit I have done the same all too often as well.) I’ve often taken issue with how people can describe children with cancer for example as brave. Why are they brave? They are just getting on with life, what else are they supposed to do?Just like them, I haven’t chosen this situation, but you only live once. Or would it be “normal” to give up once you sustain a brain injury and just wait to die?

Not sure I fit the definition of brave.

Possessing or displaying courage; able to face and deal with danger or fear without flinching.

I mean if anyone believes I don’t flinch, they are kidding themselves. Whilst it has improved, I still get startled extremely easily. So embarrassing! If I’m not looking at you and you go to start a conversation when I’m concentrating on something else, boom, I almost hit the ceiling.

No matter which definition of strong you choose, I’m not it.

Having strength or power greater than average or expected.

Well I’m no different than any other brain injury survivor. We all have extremely difficult days, and during that time there can be a lot of self doubt. So believe me, I am only average. It’s just that those who haven’t faced a brain injury don’t know what “average” is for us.

Of good quality and condition; solidly built.

I’m physically weak, and totally out of shape. I know people might mean mentally I’m strong, but they’re wrong. At this stage I doubt my mental health will ever be perfect. Just that currently I’ve just not got a date set with the self destruct button.

Not faint or feeble.

You only see what I allow you to see. If you saw me trying my best to be “brave” when entering the jungle (otherwise known as the supermarket) you’d think differently. As I struggle to contain my anxiousness about all the people, I rarely manage to complete the visit unscathed. I need to calm down with a cup of tea and deep breathing once it’s over. I imagine one might have a similar expression when they have been walking through scorpion infested tunnels. You can read why it’s so traumatic for me in 7 Executive dysfunction challenges after brain injury.

If being brave is the absence of fear, then I’m not a good example.

I have been frightened of everything. I’ve even been frightened of that there is something I have forgot to worry about! Sustaining a brain injury for me, has meant living in survival mode. At times I have tunnel vision and can’t begin to look to the future. I just have to live in the here and now.

Am I brave for discussing my experience of brain injury?

Not really. It would only be brave if there was something to be ashamed of. But seeing as I was just the casualty of an unfortunate accident, why should I be ashamed? But even if it was because I had been in a fight, should I be ashamed of the result? No. The cause would not be something to be proud of, but having any disability is never something to be ashamed of.

I don’t want your pity.

I don’t write about my experience of brain injury because I want everyone to say “Oh poor you.” If I stopped any random person, I’m sure when asked they would be able to name at least one ailment they have to manage. So if having to cope with not being perfect is brave, that means we all are. Those of us who are trying to raise awareness of a condition don’t need to be patronised. You don’t have to hear what I have to say, but if you choose to listen, have an open mind.

So I’m sorry if this comes across as ungrateful, as I know people use the words brave and strong in a well meaning manner. But when good intentions are approached the wrong way, they rarely end in a positive result. Actually sometimes I would rather people acknowledge how fragile I can be. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you struggle with something. Often that’s the first step to finding a solution. So in my opinion we should stop reacting like it’s unusual to talk about these things. All that does is add to the feeling that we need to bottle it up and pretend we are OK.

How would you like to be described after your brain injury? Do you feel understood when you're called brave?

The post I’m not strong or brave, I didn’t choose this brain injury appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

Avoiding problems: I must stop burying my head (inc injured brain) in the sand

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 02 May 2017 17:03:54 +0000

As I progressed though school, I realised that some teachers gave you a bit more breathing space than others about producing your homework on time. So I liked to think I was learning to prioritise which pieces I needed to deal with, when I hadn’t even started some by the completion date. But really I was just avoiding certain ones. It might be because it was more challenging, or just that frankly it was boring to me. Occasionally I found myself in hot water, but not very often. I might be more consistent for a while, but it wouldn’t last and I’d slip back into my old ways. I think I got away with it because otherwise I was a good student. Good attendance, not lippy and good grades. And maybe I did learn how to prioritise, but now I must stop avoiding things. I must take responsibility for my actions, or I’ll continue to add to my worries.

Avoiding thinking about it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

The last 2.5 years since the car accident that caused my brain injury have passed me by in a blur. And yet many major things have happened during that time. I became the Power of Attorney for my Dad and am responsible for all his finances. I can tell you that still feels weird, but I think I did quite well at most things for him. Even though I adapted well to running his day to day finances, there was still lots to learn. I applied to the Government for the support he was entitled to, and would make sure he was paying the right income taxes.

But with all the will in the world, it turned out I had missed out something which was worth a lot of money. In the UK when a person is diagnosed with Dementia they become exempt from paying their council tax. I only read this by chance somewhere. I can’t even remember where. But whilst the fact lodged itself in my brain, I took no further action, even though I knew that Dad had continued to pay his council tax ever since his diagnosis over a year ago. Why? Because I didn’t want to have to explain to someone that I was useless and hadn’t informed the council earlier.

If you keep avoiding it, the stress just keeps building.

I compounded this by keeping it to myself, I didn’t even ask someone to help. It was my problem, no one else’s. So it made itself at home, and started festering inside me. My brain injury means I have limited attention and concentration, making it even easier to ignore something. But when it would pop into my mind it would be bigger and uglier than the last time we met. It felt like having the debt collector knocking at your door and telling you, that with the interest added, the debt had just doubled.

In my mind I would imagine how badly the conversation with the council would go, and how impossibly complicated it would be. I kept trying to tell myself that even if I tried I would get it wrong and it would be denied – resulting in a lot of frustration and a waste of effort.

It’s not always as difficult as you think.

But finally I grew a backbone, and decided to put and end to this stupid situation. It was totally of my own making so now I was calling time on it. I called the council! And I wasn’t even sat on hold for the next decade. Instead a pleasant lady quickly looked up Dad’s file and explained what I needed to do next. She would send me a form for me to sign authorising Dads doctor to confirm his diagnosis with the council. In total, this took no more than 10 minutes. And whilst the form is still on it’s way to me, I’m no longer terrified of what it needs me to answer.

Don’t get me wrong, having a brain injury means this is so much harder. But whilst many things in my life are being suffocated by the pause button, some things go on. Life is full of choices, and if I have chosen to deal with this straight away, I could have saved myself a lot of stress as well as Dads money.

Do you find yourself avoiding things instead of dealing with them? Have you found you do this more or less often since your brain injury?

The post Avoiding problems: I must stop burying my head (inc injured brain) in the sand appeared first on Jumbledbrain.