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Guest post: Rich Parry-Jones, brain injury survivors husband & carer.

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 26 Feb 2018 10:05:15 +0000

I have talked before in Support carers about how important family of brain injury survivors are. Their attitude and approach can make a huge difference. So for the first time I have invited a husband & carer to give his valuable input. I introduce to you Rich Parry-Jones:

Always look for the positives, however small they may be.

It’s 1 year and 1 day since my wife Pauline collapsed, suffering a subarachnoid haemorrhage. This year has been by far the toughest of my life but throughout there has been enough positives, for me to know that she/we will get through this.

As mad as it may seem, even when we were giving Pauline CPR I thought, “thank god this has happened here” …. we were at friends house who is a nurse. Things could have been so much different, had we not have been .

Having had Pauline rushed to the local hospital, then on to a specialist Neuro ward after discovering a bleed to the brain, we eventually got to speak to a consultant.

He explained all of the odds and Pauline against these had come through so far. I knew she was strong and I knew she was a fighter, so I knew she’d come through this.

My thoughts then turned to our family, making sure they were all alright, trying to reassure them that everything would be OK. I think some people worried that I was too calm but I picked my moments, whilst alone to shed a tear or hold my head in my hands.

After 7 agonising hours that Pauline was in surgery, I bumped into her anaesthetist and he said “she’s OK”, the best two words I’ve ever heard. I knew from then on that if she could come through this, together we could get through anything. My thoughts then turned back to our 11 year old daughter, family, Pauline’s friends. All been so concerned. Then there was our business. There wasn’t time to feel sorry for myself, question …why us ? None of this would help, so I just thought what do I need to do next ?

Pauline was getting stronger by the day and apart from a very deep chest infection was recovering better than any of us could have hoped. I was travelling between our home in Shropshire and The Walton Centre in Liverpool. Not once did I think of it as being chore, as it’s what you do for someone you love.

After 2 weeks we finally got her home. This was way ahead of the time you would expect for someone suffering from her brain injury. The following weeks were probably the toughest. Pauline has a huge amount of friends and although the majority meant well, it was very hard keeping them away. I’d started back at work, and keeping an eye on our business (a hairdressing salon). Plus, as well as the day to day family stuff and we always had visitors. There was no down time, no time for us to be alone.

After the initial two week onslaught of constant visitors, it was as if someone had flipped a switch. Only family and a few close friends kept in touch with Pauline and she was left very lonely. People you’d expect to be there for her weren’t and people you wouldn’t expect were. It was definitely an eye opener.

I knew as she got stronger and more confident this would ease, such as once she was able to get out in the car etc. However one of the major issues with a brain trauma is anxiety and Pauline was suffering terribly. I’d try to find time to get her out of the house but it was hard with all of the other commitments. Things were strained but I knew what we’d already been through and this couldn’t be as bad as that .

I knew the stronger she got, the easier things would become. They have over time become easier. Pauline has got stronger and although there is still a long way to go regarding her recovery we’re along way from the times where she would be crying uncontrollably and I wouldn’t be able to say or do anything right . I knew she didn’t want to feel this way and she’d do anything to feel normal again. I always had it in my head however hard things were, that this is the same person I married, who I love so much and things will be better . Maybe not the same, maybe better. But when we’ve got each other, we can get through anything and that’s all that matters .

I think you’ll agree that Rich is a wonderful husband & carer to Pauline. Together they are a team, and draw strength from each other. If you’re ever in Ellesmere, Shropshire please book an appointment at their salon JS Hair. They have a passionate, and dedicated team. Pauline herself previously worked along side Trevor Sorbie MBE, 4 times winner of British Hairdresser of the year. Check them out on their Facebook page.

What is the most important thing about the life partner/wife or husband & carer in your life? Is there something you would like them to know?

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Neuroplasticity & how you can grow even with a brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Thu, 27 Apr 2017 11:18:59 +0000

When anyone sustains an injury of some kind, the body immediately starts attempting to heal it. We don’t have to ask it to, it just does it. Often, unless you’re a medic, we don’t really know much about how it’s doing it. Isn’t it amazing! Your most expensive possession, your house can’t do that, unfortunately. It doesn’t even tell you it’s not well, just suddenly something happens, like a roof leak. And if you don’t do something about it, the problem becomes a catalyst for other problems. Even though our bodies have this amazing ability, we do like to give it a helping hand. If you break a bone, yes your body can put it back together again, but we use a cast to make sure it’s straight, improving the result. Your brain creates connections and bins outdated ones all the time. After a brain injury this is the key to the recovery process, but it’s important for everyone. Brain injured or not. But being able to influence which new connections are successful is called Neuroplasticity.

Mind and body as one.

Whilst the body is incredible, to me it is a vessel to carry around my mind. That’s what I consider my consciousness and personality. Perhaps even my soul? So even if I had the most powerful muscles (which I don’t and never have) my mind is my most important asset. But actually treating the mind and body as separate beasts in this way isn’t productive. They are more closely intertwined than I could ever do a explanation justice. But a basic example I can give you is smiling. It’s a proven fact that if you smile more, even when you are feeling down, it will improve your mood. So is the body helping the mind? It’s all to do with your brain and how you respond to situations.

Use it or lose it.

When I was little, my parents only let me use a calculator to check my answers. Making sure I learned not just how to form an equation, but to solve the arithmetic myself. Even though in everyday life they knew as I became an adult I would save time with a calculator, they wanted to make sure I started out with the right skills. But as with many of us, as I got older and became best friends with the calculator, I was teaching my brain I didn’t need that skill anymore. So as those connections weren’t being exercised so much, it started to delete them, making space for more relevant ones. Just like a website can fall down in the Google rankings unless it continues to put the effort it, that’s what happened to my arithmetic. Now using Neuroplasticity I am trying to rebuild them. In short, practice makes perfect. You can read about how I struggle with maths more in Number problems after brain injury.

How Neuroplasticity can help your mental health.

We form our behaviour based on our environment, people we are in contact with, society and experiences. So stop blaming parents for everything! Yes they have a massive part to play in the development of their child, but there’s more to it than that.

I had a friend with little Jack Russel who would growl and start looking for trouble the moment you said the word “cats”. But if an actual cat walked by him, he didn’t care. He thought of it as a command to look out of bad things, but he didn’t think cats were that bad. As he believed that’s what the word meant, that’s what caused the aggressive behaviour. Neuroplasticity is about not accepting your usual reaction is the only way to respond.

So when your consciousness starts berating you, you don’t have to let it win. I might have some weird twitches after my brain injury, but it doesn’t mean people care. I would imagine that people would be thinking I’m really odd, and therefore not good enough. So I hated being around strangers. But mostly people didn’t even notice my twitches, let alone waste effort thinking about them. All I was doing was assuming there was a negative judgement, when there wasn’t. I was destroying my self-confidence. For nothing. Now I just tell that stupid nervous voice to shut up, what does she know anyway. In time my brain will learn that I’m not reacting to her anymore and it will cut her out.

It’s a massive subject and this doesn’t even touch the sides. But if you want the read more about it, Debbie Hampton wrote a brilliant article Neuroplasticity: The 10 Fundamentals Of Rewiring Your Brain . Or in her book “Sex, Suicide and Serotonin” she explains how her negative responses to situations contributed to her suicide attempts. But after years of suffering, she used Neuroplasticity to change her life and attitude. If she can do it, so can we.

Have you tried Neuroplasticity, and what results are you seeing?

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Genuine positive changes after brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 15:03:15 +0000

After my brain injury I went through a period where I kept asking “why me?” And “when ,if ever, am I going to get better?” I’m sure I’m not alone in this and people all over the world with different situations have asked the same questions.

It has been a massive change in my life, and some things will never be the same again. Whether that’s because some people are no longer a part of my life for various reasons, or there are things I’m not sure if I will ever be able to do the way I did before.

But on the positive side it’s made me more human.

I was brought up to be very British about everything, which means I have good manners and am respectful, but there are a few others that might not be seen as so admirable.

Don’t make a fuss
Never show weakness
Be careful what you say as it could be used against you

I had spent a lot of time an energy throughout my life attempting to wear a brave front all the times. And to a point I had succeeded. Most people would have described me as grounded and a well-rounded person. But like the majority of us there was another side to my story that I was forever sweeping under the carpet. The details of which are not particularly relevant so I won’t bore you with them, but in my continued efforts to minimise their impact on others perceptions of me, I was actually making things worse.

No matter how I really felt about something there would be some things I could never say.

I was more likely to suffer in silence than explain to the relevant person why what they were asking for was too difficult.

Many times I found myself in hot water just because I wasn’t honest at the outset of what I was confident I was capable of. So rather than make a fuss or disappoint I would agree to everything. But sometimes that lead to disappointment further down the line when I struggled but still failed to ask for help before it was too late.

I suffered many dark days with just my own thoughts because I thought depression was a sign of weakness.

Actually the majority of us will at some point find ourselves wrestling with depression to some degree. But that didn’t fit into this persona I had created. But I was always a willing ear for others. I never looked down on them for the way the felt, in fact the opposite. So why I thought I had to treat myself differently I’m not sure.

I rarely said “it’s my fault” because it’s an admission of guilt and could be used against you later.

It sounds ludicrous now, and it makes me sound like a horrible person who couldn’t have had any friends. But I did, and I still do. I would say sorry, but sometimes that’s not enough. People need to hear not only your regret at the outcome, but some recognition that you understand the error so you can learn from it.

After my accident I started to see things differently, in a more positive light. I understood that people want to help and are ready to listen without judgement if they really care about you. I cried so much in front of people who had never seen me break down before. They hugged me but didn’t berate me as I expected them too. So then I realised how admitting you made a mistake is an important step and people appreciate it.

So whilst I would never wish my experience on anyone else, it has helped me to grow as a person. I’m thankful for that.

Looking for more positive posts on brain injury? Try Lucky: Confessions of a brain injury survivor.

What positive changes have you been able to take away from a bad situation? Doesn't matter how small because there are many steps to each adventure.

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