conversation Archives - Jumbledbrain

How to enjoy a conversation after brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 25 Oct 2016 12:13:58 +0000

Those of you who have been following my blog will have seen a post I wrote The gamble of socialising after brain injury. In it I explained the reasons why I struggle to cope with large groups of people. But today I wanted to talk about the effort that goes into holding any conversation following a brain injury.

Trying to talk about something other than having a brain injury

Having a brain injury is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me. For some people it’s having their first child, or their recent wedding, or swimming with sharks. As I have never done any of these things it’s definitely sustaining a brain injury rate’s the highest on my personal experiences list. I know it isn’t a positive thing, and actually a very personal subject, so people don’t always know what to say. But in the same way a new parent will have any mundane occurrence remind them of their child and tell you how, I’m like that with my brain injury. I know parents are doing it through sheer love and enthusiasm, where as I suppose mine is driven more through my regret that this ever happened to me.

People can easily relate to the new parent, not least because their topic is a positive one. Even when they are explaining how they can only get 2 hours of sleep at a time between night feeds, you know that despite it’s difficulties, they wouldn’t be without their new bundle of joy. But you can’t say the same thing about my brain injury, I definitely would be without it. So even though it’s always there and on my mind, I have to try to find something else to talk about.

Thinking of conversation subjects when your life is much more pedestrian than it used to be

In my job I used to be in and out of the office going to meetings and meeting new people every day. That meant I was having new experiences all the time, which in turn inspired lots of different things for me to talk about with others. I could easily start a conversation based on something that I had recently done. But now that I don’t work and I see few people, I find myself hoping the other person will be happy to lead the conversation because I have no inspiration. I even struggle to think of questions to get them talking about something, apart from “How are you?” and “How’s work?” Meh, how vanilla!

Hurry up and finish talking, I’ve thought of something to add! Oh, no it’s gone.

There will be times that my companion will have hit a subject that has sparked an idea or comment I have to add. And seeing as I struggle to start conversations, I really love these moments. But they are still relaying their story so I must still listen and try not to interrupt. My short attention span means if I’m not careful I can quickly lose the thread of what they are saying all together. So I have to put in extra effort to stay with them. However that extra concentration can mean I can’t hold on to my thought. When they finish, that little gem I was all excited about has gone. I’m left saying something vanilla again like “It’s amazing, isn’t it.” They are left feeling like they have been talking to themselves. So much for 2 way conversation.

My tips on trying to keep the conversation flowing

There are 3 main things I do to try to keep the conversation following more naturally. I know if I’m being boring, they’ll be bored, so this is now I try to fill the gaps.

Ask open ended questions
I try to avoid questions that could be answered with one word like yes or no. If you use ones that require an explanation, by them going deeper into the subject you will both find more avenues to explore. So if they have recently moved house, try not to say “Are you settling well in your new house?” as they might just say- “Yes thanks”. Try something like “Was there any things on your requirement list that you overlooked for that house because you loved it so much?” Bingo! So not only are they going to be able to tell you that they relented on the double garage in favour of a bigger garden, you can talk about what you would like the garden for. Play space or the children, that vegetable patch you’ve always wanted, or somewhere for the dog to run around.
Draw from your surroundings
I know what your thinking, she’s British, they always talk about the weather. Yes we do, but it can be difficult for the conversation to naturally drift into another subject. So instead comment on something like a piece of jewellery. They might be wearing a nice necklace. When you ask where they came from, they could have an exciting story. If the story is just “Thanks I bought it in Top Shop” , you can then tell them the story behind the necklace you are wearing. How your Mum brought it back from her holiday for you as it has your birthstone in it. And so you can start talking about your Mum’s taste, or start talking about holidays in general.
Let them teach you something
So the conversation has drifted onto something you don’t know that much about. Instead of panicking and thinking “I’m going to look stupid”, ask them about it. People enjoy making an impact and teaching someone something. It gives the teacher a great feeling. We don’t have to pretend we know something about everything, so just listen and you might find a new interest.

Conversations can cause anxiety if they keep falling into awkward silences. And it is frustrating when you keep forgetting what you were going to say, but these tips could help generate new subjects for you both to enjoy.

Do you struggle to maintain a conversation? What good tips do you have?

The post How to enjoy a conversation after brain injury appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

Don’t guess what I need – Words of a brain injury survivor

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 30 Aug 2016 13:00:28 +0000

Being British often means having a stiff upper lip in tough situations, and trying to say the right thing so you don’t cause offensive. I would definitely say that I fitted into this culture and actively tried to be a good example. I really did feel this was the best way to be, and I still think it has merits and find I naturally adopt it . But actually it’s not always the best answer. I wanted to shout “Don’t guess that what I need is for you to be polite, just tell me the truth.”

After my brain injury I initially couldn’t recognise the changes in my personality. So I would ask people what differences they saw. But many people would assume that any “negative” feedback would offend me so they told me I was fine.

But with the polite British culture, how could I explain what I need this time is pure honesty. I believed that if I could identify what had changed I might be able to work on it to get back to being me. I didn’t have a plan for how I intended to do this but I’d always believed that if you want something enough, and you’re prepared to put the effort it, you can achieve it.

So it was a long time before anyone dared to tell me that having a conversation with me was like I was speaking via satellite with a time delay. They would be able to see the thoughts on my face and then I would finally speak, and even then it was a bit slow. For me though I felt I was answering immediately like you would in any natural conversation. This happened because my speed of processing had been hugely affected. Deciphering what they were saying and replying was taking so much longer, but I wasn’t aware of it.

I wanted people to admit that they could tell I wasn’t OK.

Instead some tried the positive approach and would try to look at it all from the brighter side of life. But all that did was make me feel guilty for “wallowing in my self pity.” That I should be using that British stiff upper lip to put my feelings aside.

“You’re lucky, it could have been so much worse!”

Just because I came out of that accident in one piece and I was able to walk unaided, (eventually) it doesn’t mean I felt I was lucky to have a brain I couldn’t trust anymore. Whilst I understand that I could have had a physical disability or even died, when your brain isn’t behaving normally it’s difficult to feel lucky. Particularly as you don’t know how long your recovery is going to take and what the future looks like.

“You look fine.”

No I don’t! And I knew I didn’t. My reflection looked different, it was in my eyes. It looked like no one was home, and I’d always had very expressive eyes. I’d always been proud to have inherited from my Irish Mother, “the Moynihan look.” This was the look that would be thrown and even without words you knew your goose was cooked! Anyone who knows an Irish woman knows what I’m talking about. But all emotions were easily displayed through my eyes which I hoped made people see when they were welcome. It was more like looking at a fish than my reflection.

“Try hard and keep practising.”

Wise words, and of course it is the best course of action. But I was so fatigued that concentrating on anything took so much effort. I am guilty of being lazy at times, but this is different. And even if I had energy were was my motivation? Some days I just didn’t have the drive to do anything, and that made me feel terrible because as I said before, I believed if you want it and put in the effort it will happen. So that meant it was my fault that I wasn’t better.

“I’ll do that for you, you go sit down and rest.”

It’s so kind hearted of people to try to help and do little things for you when they see you struggle. But as I was struggling with my confidence with simple things like carrying 2 cups of tea, the only way I could build it was to see I could cope. Living with a brain injury you have to take each day as it comes. Just because you could do it yesterday it doesn’t mean today you’ll do so well, and visa versa. It can be challenging to be patient with myself so I understand it’s can be hard for others to be patient, particularly in today’s super fast world. But I can be my biggest enemy so sometimes I need others to just have my back, not take over.

However, I realise us survivors ca be difficult sometimes. So huge respect to carers. Read Support Carers where I explain how their lives have been turned upside down too.

But people only know what we need if we tell them. What things would you like people to do differently?

The post Don’t guess what I need – Words of a brain injury survivor appeared first on Jumbledbrain.