After my brain injury, and I became aware enough to be able to recognise my struggles, I lost confidence in myself. I sunk into depression and would cry everyday. My mental health had taken such a battering I couldn’t understand why my partner James would want me. So I kept telling him I could go move in with my Dad, seeing as he would benefit from some support due to his age. But James kept telling me that’s the last thing he wanted.
I was missing being me
No matter what nice things he said or did, it made little impact on my self worth. All I could see was a liability, and I thought he deserved better. Terrible thoughts and ideas would go through my mind as I tried to find a way to take back control of my life. I was a mess. I had been depressed before, but this was different. How could there ever be a light at the end of this dark tunnel?
I’d never fully appreciated before that I was in my own way confident previously. As I could be shy at times, and you could hardly call me an extrovert, I thought that was a lack of confidence. Wrong.
After pulling myself apart for everything, I started to use mindfulness to try to see myself in a different light. Alright, so I might not be the same as I was any more, but that didn’t mean I was a bad person or had nothing to offer. I’d always been a good listener, even if I didn’t have all the answers, people were still opening up to me despite my flaws. That takes trust, and in time I realised these people must see something in me that I wasn’t acknowledging.
Maybe I had something to say? Starting a conversation can help people talk about how they are feeling.
And so my blog was born, my lost confidence restored. If you’re still with me and reading this, thank you. Sometimes I worry when I suddenly see less people are reading and sharing my posts. I think “Oh no, do they just want me to shut up? Am I not adding any value anymore? Should I stop?”
I don’t think I will ever be able to tell that little self doubting voice to be quiet, but that’s just part of what makes me human. I have the gift of empathy, so I’m always trying to see it from the other persons point of view. But that can be more like a sentence when you are forever trying to second guess and always assuming the worst.