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Order of events becomes disorientated thanks to brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 14:24:36 +0000

People accept that thanks to my brain injury, my memory can be like a sock with a hole. – Most of the foot is happy enough, but if you focus on the toe who is forced into a strip act, that’s a different story. The bit that seems to be harder to accept, is that I can’t always be sure of the order of events.

I would be a terrible police witness.

The more you question me to try to get me to pinpoint the details, the worse I get. Even when it’s a subject I brought up I can quickly realise I am more sketchy than I thought. For example, I might have done something, like found a website that’s really useful and be recommending it to someone. Should they ask how I found it in the first place, I might be confused. A third person may try to remind me they told me about it. Whilst I might remember we briefly spoke about it, I’m not sure if that was before or after I came across it.

It’s not that I don’t want to give credit where it’s due, I just can’t be sure that it happened in that order. So in this instance I would accept they are right and move on. After all that’s a stupid thing to argue about anyway. But what if it was something more important?

If I start to worry I’ve done something wrong, I can picture the events but start to panic about which came first. In my local area there are lots of serious pot holes on the roads. Recently, when driving in the dark my partner James drove over one that was so vicious it bent his alloy wheel. I think the same one got me, but just threw my tracking out. I mentioned this to James’ Dad. He asked why one of us hadn’t warned the other about the offending pot hole. Sensible question, but then my brain froze.

“Oh no, could I have prevented the damage to his car…..?”

I couldn’t even remember when James and I had talked about it and decided we could have been victims of the same gaping hole. Who had brought the subject up? I knew I would have been about to commence the long 3 hour + journey to see my Dad. But was that before or after James’ damage? I didn’t care if James had done it first and not warned me. I was concerned I had caused him inconvenience and money.

James and his Mum swiftly changed the subject to something less contentious. I was clearly floundering and my distress was obvious. Later as James and I discussed it, we realised it might have been the same day. He leaves before 6 am for work, and that day I left at 7.45 am. We didn’t get the chance to speak until the evening. That’s when he said how he pulled over because his car was making a terrible noise that morning. He thought it was a slow puncture to begin with. Anyway, it was neither parties fault. The first opportunity we had to warn one another was too late.

I imagine my behaviour looks like that of a guilty party.

My active imagination starts to misread the situation.

Judge Judy always says “If you tell the truth you don’t have to have a good memory.” So when I’m saying I don’t know, does that make me look like I’m hiding something?

Maybe I need to watch less of that program and actually get a life. I seem to be always assuming the worst. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to that. Perhaps it’s partly my own frustration at not being able to be certain of the facts. Maybe that holey sock will be darned one day, and that toe can warm up.

Do you struggle with the order of events? Do you also feel like a criminal at times?

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Genuine positive changes after brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 13 Sep 2016 15:03:15 +0000

After my brain injury I went through a period where I kept asking “why me?” And “when ,if ever, am I going to get better?” I’m sure I’m not alone in this and people all over the world with different situations have asked the same questions.

It has been a massive change in my life, and some things will never be the same again. Whether that’s because some people are no longer a part of my life for various reasons, or there are things I’m not sure if I will ever be able to do the way I did before.

But on the positive side it’s made me more human.

I was brought up to be very British about everything, which means I have good manners and am respectful, but there are a few others that might not be seen as so admirable.

Don’t make a fuss
Never show weakness
Be careful what you say as it could be used against you

I had spent a lot of time an energy throughout my life attempting to wear a brave front all the times. And to a point I had succeeded. Most people would have described me as grounded and a well-rounded person. But like the majority of us there was another side to my story that I was forever sweeping under the carpet. The details of which are not particularly relevant so I won’t bore you with them, but in my continued efforts to minimise their impact on others perceptions of me, I was actually making things worse.

No matter how I really felt about something there would be some things I could never say.

I was more likely to suffer in silence than explain to the relevant person why what they were asking for was too difficult.

Many times I found myself in hot water just because I wasn’t honest at the outset of what I was confident I was capable of. So rather than make a fuss or disappoint I would agree to everything. But sometimes that lead to disappointment further down the line when I struggled but still failed to ask for help before it was too late.

I suffered many dark days with just my own thoughts because I thought depression was a sign of weakness.

Actually the majority of us will at some point find ourselves wrestling with depression to some degree. But that didn’t fit into this persona I had created. But I was always a willing ear for others. I never looked down on them for the way the felt, in fact the opposite. So why I thought I had to treat myself differently I’m not sure.

I rarely said “it’s my fault” because it’s an admission of guilt and could be used against you later.

It sounds ludicrous now, and it makes me sound like a horrible person who couldn’t have had any friends. But I did, and I still do. I would say sorry, but sometimes that’s not enough. People need to hear not only your regret at the outcome, but some recognition that you understand the error so you can learn from it.

After my accident I started to see things differently, in a more positive light. I understood that people want to help and are ready to listen without judgement if they really care about you. I cried so much in front of people who had never seen me break down before. They hugged me but didn’t berate me as I expected them too. So then I realised how admitting you made a mistake is an important step and people appreciate it.

So whilst I would never wish my experience on anyone else, it has helped me to grow as a person. I’m thankful for that.

Looking for more positive posts on brain injury? Try Lucky: Confessions of a brain injury survivor.

What positive changes have you been able to take away from a bad situation? Doesn't matter how small because there are many steps to each adventure.

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