Complacent but not carefree after brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 19 Dec 2016 16:07:25 +0000

When I entered my first full time job at 18, it was made clear to me how important attention to detail was. Whilst being human means we all make mistakes, I carried through that key basic with me throughout my career. But 2 years after my brain injury I can see something has changed. I can be complacent about things that previously I would have put extra time and effort into.

“That will do, they won’t mind.”

When wrapping presents for others, I always got comments on my skills. I was trained when I was 21 to be able to wrap perfectly and at speed for customers whilst they watched you, to the standard that french fashion house,Chanel, demand. Don’t worry, I’m not about to bore you to death by giving you a step by step guide on how to get a professional finish. So I made sure anyone who I cared about enough for me to buy a gift for got AT LEAST the same standard I used to give customers.

But as my coordination is slightly off, as is my vision, I now produce much less remarkable wrapped presents. I probably could create something as good as before with extra time and effort, but I’m more complacent about it now. I find I tell myself that they probably won’t care or notice, so that will do. And whilst it is true all the people on my gift list care more about the thought that is put into deciding on a present, I do think they enjoyed how special I made their gifts look before.

“Who am I trying to impress, it doesn’t matter what I look like.”

I would have said I was always well presented. Not over the top or especially glamorous, but I always would have looked smartly dressed. Now though, I care a lot less for my appearance. Only if I’m seeing someone I haven’t seen for a long time do I bother to put on even a flick of mascara. I realise part of that is growing up. Younger ladies worry too much about their appearance, but I really am complacent now. It doesn’t bother me to open the door when I have already changed into my PJ’s and have crazy messy hair piled on top of my head. Previously I would have made James do it, even if was only in his dressing gown after having a shower.

Focusing on what matters.

There are many ways in which my life has changed in the last 2 years. Mostly, but not all due to my brain injury. But as I still suffer from fatigue, short attention span and physical weakness, to name a few, I have to choose my battles. I feel like I aged 10 years overnight and my priorities had to change. Now making things look pretty is something I still like the idea of, but I can’t execute any more. Is my complacent attitude just my way of trying to excuse myself? Perhaps.

Some days I am still terrified of the future. I still can’t plan more than a few days at a time. So any task I commit to doing I have to finish within an allotted period of time so it doesn’t drag on forever. That extra time and effort could turn into a massive disaster for me if I obsess too much about one thing, and then fail to complete the task altogether. So don’t think I have a carefree attitude, because actually it’s quite the opposite. I have to accept my limitations. So I can spend my time and energy wisely on things that matter, and I care dearly about. We only live once, so we have to prioritise.

You can read more about concentration issues in Distracted after brain injury. Feeling dejected.

Do you think you have become more complacent after brain injury? What's your highest priority now?

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Mindfulness in 5 easy steps. Regain balance after a brain injury.

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Fri, 26 Aug 2016 13:13:52 +0000

There were times where my mind would run at a thousand miles an hour following my brain injury, and it was exhausting. I think after my trauma I was trying to look out for danger everywhere and attempting to control everything. I remember walking down an aisle in Sainsbury’s supermarket and feeling the to need to read every sign and product name. Of course that’s ridiculous and impossible unless you’re there all day. But that was the first sign I needed mindfulness in my life. I just didn’t know it yet.

The information was too much and it was such an overload, and I don’t know even what I was trying to achieve. But that was my approach to everything whether I liked it or not.

I was attending a group for brain injury survivors run by Headway. Jo, an OT there, started to teach us about mindfulness meditation. A couple of times in the past I’d tried sitting cross legged like a Buddha. But I never felt I was doing it right so I thought I probably wouldn’t do much better with this. But I was wrong.

Jo was ready for the preconceived ideas we had about meditation and explained how mindfulness is different. You don’t need to be spiritual to feel the benefits.

Anyone can do mindfulness meditation and you don’t have to spend a long time doing it either.

Firstly you just need to sit comfortably in a chair with your feet flat to the floor and sit upright with your back supported. So much easier than doing it on the floor! And with my weak left leg I probably wouldn’t have managed to get up once I was down there. So this was a good start.

I’d always thought you have to try to clear your mind thus why I thought I always failed. But Jo explained your mind is supposed to think so let it, just don’t be judgemental. Notice the thoughts that come, don’t categorise them as good or bad, right or wrong. Just notice them and let them move on. I know what your thinking, “this sounds impossible, how do I not judge things?” But it’s easier than you think.

Mark Williams, professor of clinical psychology at the Oxford Mindfulness Centre, part of Oxford University’s department of psychiatry, calls a “direct knowing of what is going on inside and outside ourselves, moment by moment”.

I found this really helped me feel less anxious and more calm. Also it’s good for improving your cognitive abilities and concentration levels. Great for everyone, but especially for those with a brain injury. So give it a go, here it is in 5 easy steps:

Sit comfortably upright in a chair with your feet flat on the floor
Tune in to your breathing. Follow the breath as the air comes in through the nose and down your chest, and its journey back out. Is it warmer coming out?
Notice thoughts, acknowledge them and return your focus to your breathing.
Don’t judge yourself for being distracted, but go back to noticing your breathing.
You can start with just 10 minutes a day. We all have busy lives but give yourself that, you deserve it.

What this does is make you feel more present in the moment. So for those of us who worry our selves half to death, it’s just what we need. Worrying is trying to predict what hasn’t happened yet. But seeing as the future hasn’t been written yet, it’s a fruitless exercise. The best thing for you to do is to make sure your mind and body are as ready as possible for whatever is around the corner. So just like taking a bath helps relax you body, mindfulness meditation does the same for your mind.

If you’re finding a racing mind is stopping you from drifting off to sleep, read Sleep after TBI: unlock 11 endorsed steps.

Have a go and let me know how you get on. Does it work for you?

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