perspective Archives - Jumbledbrain

A brain injury is enough of a challenge, so choose your battles wisely.

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Thu, 18 Jan 2018 18:53:57 +0000

Everybody has to decide what is important to them, and take actions to protect and nurture them. Equally, as we don’t have endless resources, we have to decide what things we are going to ignore as they don’t really matter. This process is fondly referred to as when you “choose your battles”. We all have different factors that something has to meet to qualify as important. But I have found that living with a brain injury makes my important list a very exclusive one.

How priorities change.

A brain injury can mean emotions can come and go suddenly, but be explosive whilst they visit. This causes great stress and anxiety, whilst soaking up lots of precious energy (which isn’t in abundant supply.) This can happen because emotions are closely linked to the fight or flight response. As Dr Erin Olivo explains here, this is your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe (particularly since if you have a brain injury you have already had a close shave.)

Over time, I have slowly been trying to reset my emotional responses, by being more mindful about each situations merits. I wrote previously in Complacent but not carefree after brain injury, how my priorities have changed, making some things no longer feature on my important list.

But just because I might decline certain battles, it doesn’t mean I don’t care.

There’s lots of things that are important to me. For example, if I could I would make it so that creatures don’t have to eat each other to survive. But I can’t, so whilst I care deeply about their survival, I have to let this issue go. It’s just too big (and impossible) for me to tackle, so that agenda is “GAME OVER”.

But things can be on the opposite end of the scale, too small to waste effort on. However, it’s these things that often get people riled up. This could be someone nicked your packing space. It has consequences as it causes you temporary inconvenience, and their lack of respect is offensive. But it’s not the end of the world. Nevertheless that doesn’t stop us getting upset about it, and calling that person every name under the sun.

How would you feel about this battle?

Regular readers might remember in Held back by weakness from brain injury, I talked about a new front door we had installed. Well, it has a small crack in the window which was there when it was delivered. Apparently they can’t just replace the glass, it has to be the whole door. So they reordered it, and after much chasing, they made the appointment to come and replace it. I was told to expect them on Friday morning, so I waited. They never showed up, and I called the area manager. He claimed he didn’t know what had happened, and asked for time to look into it. He never called me back, so before the close of play, I called him again. Apparently the door didn’t even come into stock until that afternoon. Quiet frankly, that’s pathetic.

So he promised me the installers would be with me by 9 am on Tuesday. Tuesday comes and at 8.45 am he is calling me, and I brightly answer the phone, “Good morning Keith!*” (*I have changed his name here.) He sheepishly started with, “Morning Miss Munt, don’t shout at me, but….” Ah, the dreaded but! Turns out the replacement door had been sent in with the same problem and they had only just noticed.

There’s lots of things I could have said to this. However I chose to laugh, and just accept it. The customer experience is dreadful, and at this stage I’m not sure if Keith is being honest with me, or just covering his arse. But it makes no difference. Getting upset about it wouldn’t change anything. Alright, I probably could demand some money back, but that wouldn’t solve it. All I want is a nice new fitted door without faults, like I asked for. Instead I opted to save my breath and energy, as my brain injury has more important battles to contend with. You might think that makes me a walkover. I think it makes me a survivor.

How do you choose your battles? Or does your brain injury keep picking unnecessary fights?

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Relationships vanish magnifying the trauma of brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 20 Mar 2017 15:37:12 +0000

Nothing about living with a brain injury is easy. But time and again I hear how survivors feel abandoned by their friends and family. For anyone it is difficult when key members of their social network do a vanishing act on them. But when your world has been turned upside down, and it’s void of those relationships, it can be soul destroying. However, that doesn’t mean they are bad people, just that they are struggling too. I have written in two other guest blogs about how not long after my car accident, my Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s (a form of dementia).

Maddy at home – Alzheimer’s where I try to explain how I tried to support his independence in the early stages of his condition.

The brain injury hub – One decision away from a different life – I touched on how my experience of brain injury gave me an advantage when trying to understand what he was going through.

Effectively I have walked on both sides of the cursed coin. And I can tell you, they are both difficult. I have made loads of mistakes, and I’m not proud of them. But I’m hoping I can help those who are questioning others behaviour. I’m not going to attempt to solve the issue, because I can’t. But perhaps I can help people forgive and begin the next stage of their journey.

Facing a brain injury with a loss of relationships

When something bad happens to you, or you’re just feeling down, most of us have someone who we turn to first for support. For me, which it is for many, that was my Mum. But she passed away suddenly just 3 weeks after my accident. I’m still heartbroken about it, but at least I know she didn’t abandon me. So the pain I have felt in the absence of other key people of my social network has been different. I’ve gone through several stages in my grieving for these lost relationships.

Denial – To begin with I made excuses. It’s not that they were avoiding me, it’s just that they were busy. Don’t worry, when they have a moment they’ll be in touch. This happens because you have to pace your sense of loss, and as you have so much to contend with you park this issue for now.
Anger – When I finally had to admit some individuals were not going to see me, or pick up the phone, I became angry. This is just a part of the healing process. I know I would gladly have those people back, and would now welcome them with open arms. But you go through anger just because you care and miss them. You feel let down and I was obsessed with the feeling of injustice. Embrace it, you need to express yourself. Just don’t shout at that person. Maybe privately write it down or go in another room to scream it out.
Bargaining – Next we find a way to blame ourselves. I’m grumpy, snappy and take forever to find my words, so I’m terrible company. I wouldn’t want to have to deal with me. We are trying to find a way to identify the problem, so we might be able to find a solution. But the reality is, sometimes the decision is not ours to make. We might not like their choice to go on without us, but that’s their right.
Misery – I was so sad that those relationships were missing after my brain injury. This added to my depression and made me question my self worth. In a way our nervous system is just trying to take a well earned break. This is to give us a chance to adapt. Whilst this is painful, it is necessary in the same way the Australian bush experiences regular fires. It clears things and allows space for the next stage of growth.
Acceptance – It’s not that I do or don’t agree those people should have walked away from me. But in the same way I have had to accept my Mum isn’t coming back, they have made their decisions and I respect that. There might be some learning points, or there might not. Either way, one just has to move on.

How it feels facing a brain injury survivor

I have had to witness my Dads’ decline. Hopefully for many survivors they will have had a period of recovery, but may still have bad turns. Even though I can relate to his struggles, I have at times forgotten how he is different now. I just expect him to be the same, strong, clever, funny man he has always been. So when he says something silly, or keeps asking me the same thing again and again I can become frustrated.

There are times that I just don’t feel I have the emotional capacity to give him my patience. We never know what others are facing in their lives, and I know there are times I don’t call him because I know at that time I don’t have any more to give. I feel terrible about it, but when I’m drained I can do more damage than good. I might snap at him and that isn’t what he needs. So I think it’s better for us both if I retreat until I can have a more positive effect.

I am the youngest of his children, but as his power of attorney, I have now swapped roles with him and become the guardian. However, he is still fiercely independent which can lead to him picking the wrong battles. He wants to feel in control of his life and will refuse help. I know I have also been guilty of cutting off my nose to spite my face. Sometimes when he is like that I think In that case, why do I bother? I can be left temporarily feeling undervalued, and of no real use.

In fact I am grieving for the person he used to be. And believe me that’s a real challenge. In many ways I’m probably not meeting that challenge very well, but I’m trying. So perhaps those relationships we have lost happened because they care so much, they are grieving for us. In time all we can do is forgive, and open our hearts to accept our future.

I think this is a lot to go through, but on top of all that in Confess to pressure: being a voice of brain injury, I hit my full capacity.

Do you think your are or have been grieving for the loss of your relationships after your brain injury? Or am I wrong and they are just selfish?

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