Everybody has to decide what is important to them, and take actions to protect and nurture them. Equally, as we don’t have endless resources, we have to decide what things we are going to ignore as they don’t really matter. This process is fondly referred to as when you “choose your battles”. We all have different factors that something has to meet to qualify as important. But I have found that living with a brain injury makes my important list a very exclusive one.
How priorities change.
A brain injury can mean emotions can come and go suddenly, but be explosive whilst they visit. This causes great stress and anxiety, whilst soaking up lots of precious energy (which isn’t in abundant supply.) This can happen because emotions are closely linked to the fight or flight response. As Dr Erin Olivo explains here, this is your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe (particularly since if you have a brain injury you have already had a close shave.)
Over time, I have slowly been trying to reset my emotional responses, by being more mindful about each situations merits. I wrote previously in Complacent but not carefree after brain injury, how my priorities have changed, making some things no longer feature on my important list.
But just because I might decline certain battles, it doesn’t mean I don’t care.
There’s lots of things that are important to me. For example, if I could I would make it so that creatures don’t have to eat each other to survive. But I can’t, so whilst I care deeply about their survival, I have to let this issue go. It’s just too big (and impossible) for me to tackle, so that agenda is “GAME OVER”.
But things can be on the opposite end of the scale, too small to waste effort on. However, it’s these things that often get people riled up. This could be someone nicked your packing space. It has consequences as it causes you temporary inconvenience, and their lack of respect is offensive. But it’s not the end of the world. Nevertheless that doesn’t stop us getting upset about it, and calling that person every name under the sun.
How would you feel about this battle?
Regular readers might remember in Held back by weakness from brain injury, I talked about a new front door we had installed. Well, it has a small crack in the window which was there when it was delivered. Apparently they can’t just replace the glass, it has to be the whole door. So they reordered it, and after much chasing, they made the appointment to come and replace it. I was told to expect them on Friday morning, so I waited. They never showed up, and I called the area manager. He claimed he didn’t know what had happened, and asked for time to look into it. He never called me back, so before the close of play, I called him again. Apparently the door didn’t even come into stock until that afternoon. Quiet frankly, that’s pathetic.
So he promised me the installers would be with me by 9 am on Tuesday. Tuesday comes and at 8.45 am he is calling me, and I brightly answer the phone, “Good morning Keith!*” (*I have changed his name here.) He sheepishly started with, “Morning Miss Munt, don’t shout at me, but….” Ah, the dreaded but! Turns out the replacement door had been sent in with the same problem and they had only just noticed.
There’s lots of things I could have said to this. However I chose to laugh, and just accept it. The customer experience is dreadful, and at this stage I’m not sure if Keith is being honest with me, or just covering his arse. But it makes no difference. Getting upset about it wouldn’t change anything. Alright, I probably could demand some money back, but that wouldn’t solve it. All I want is a nice new fitted door without faults, like I asked for. Instead I opted to save my breath and energy, as my brain injury has more important battles to contend with. You might think that makes me a walkover. I think it makes me a survivor.
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4 replies on “A brain injury is enough of a challenge, so choose your battles wisely.”
I think you made a wise choice not to get angry or demanding at this point. You’re still awaiting a replacement door and need the cooperation from the supplier and installer. You don’t need to jeopardize that. Good for you!
I have a frontal lobe injury, and there are times when almost everything feels like a fight. I’m learning to stop and assess whether the situation really requires a response from me, and if so, does it need to be a negative one? Chances are good that no response or a neutral response is the best choice.
But I’ve made a few bad choices and had to undo some bad decisions.
I too have made bad choices along the way and it sounds like we are at a similar point with making conscious choices about our responses. It’s not easy staying neutral, but the long term results are worth it over the short term relief of letting rip.
I don’t know why but I always struggle loading your blog to give you a Like(always imagine I’m giving you a big one!) and comments………I think I fight every battle. I just work out the best way to get success. That’s a process. Cheers,H
I’m sorry it’s always a struggle for you, if I knew how to make it easier I would. So I know when you do like and/or comment I know you must really be a fan of that one to persevere ?