I wanted people to admit that they could tell I wasn’t OK.

Instead some tried the positive approach and would try to look at it all from the brighter side of life. But all that did was make me feel guilty for “wallowing in my self pity.” That I should be using that British stiff upper lip to put my feelings aside.

“You’re lucky, it could have been so much worse!”

Just because I came out of that accident in one piece and I was able to walk unaided, (eventually) it doesn’t mean I felt I was lucky to have a brain I couldn’t trust anymore. Whilst I understand that I could have had a physical disability or even died, when your brain isn’t behaving normally it’s difficult to feel lucky. Particularly as you don’t know how long your recovery is going to take and what the future looks like.

“You look fine.”

No I don’t! And I knew I didn’t. My reflection looked different, it was in my eyes. It looked like no one was home, and I’d always had very expressive eyes. I’d always been proud to have inherited from my Irish Mother, “the Moynihan look.” This was the look that would be thrown and even without words you knew your goose was cooked! Anyone who knows an Irish woman knows what I’m talking about. But all emotions were easily displayed through my eyes which I hoped made people see when they were welcome.  It was more like looking at a fish than my reflection.

“Try hard and keep practising.”

Wise words, and of course it is the best course of action. But I was so fatigued that concentrating on anything took so much effort. I am guilty of being lazy at times, but this is different. And even if I had energy were was my motivation? Some days I just didn’t have the drive to do anything, and that made me feel terrible because as I said before, I believed if you want it and put in the effort it will happen. So that meant it was my fault that I wasn’t better.

“I’ll do that for you, you go sit down and rest.”