Where does the time go? A day flies by after brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Thu, 01 Jun 2017 11:34:04 +0000

Most days I have something I need to do that day; laundry, mowing the lawn, cleaning, writing my blog. And yet whenever anyone asks me about my day, I can’t ever say I did much. Not because I sat around all day, just because everything must take me so long. Either that or I’m living in some kind of brain injury created time warp.

Has my concept of time changed?

Whether I’m getting distracted more than I realise, or I’m just really slow, I’m not sure. Recently I have been getting up earlier to make a start on writing, and yet I don’t seem to finish any earlier. At least I only have me to answer to, what if I was being paid to meet deadlines? It all just adds to my anxiety about how I will ever rise to life’s challenges. This is something I talked more about in Terrified I’ll fail after brain injury.

I’m not sure if this is happening just because I don’t have the same time constraints you do when you’re at work (or bringing up a family). Perhaps just because I have time to pause and think, I am. Or is it because my processing speed is holding me back? Either way, it feels like life is passing me by some days.

Life is short enough as it is.

The modern world is all about doing everything at speed. I noticed how that makes people behave differently when I moved from South West England, to Greater London. It’s not that people are better or worse, just that here they are cramming in so much, they’re more stressed. So I don’t want to be like that either.

But we get one chance at this life. I know many of us might feel we have had another chance as we survived a brain injury. But perhaps that’s even more reason to cherish what time we have. Don’t worry, I’m not going to be all morbid on you. Some people who lead busy lives would love to be in my position. Or at least they think that until they get there. So many people find retirement boring.

Perhaps it’s fatigue slowing me down.

Before you say it, I know we have to pace ourselves. And I’ve said before in Exhausted energy levels. Brain injury can leave you high & dry, how I can be guilty of pushing myself too hard. So maybe this is just my new speed? I’m not saying I was ever the hare, but now the tortoise is lapping me.

As I’m writing this, I’m conscious of how often I sit “contemplating” what I’m writing. I might be kind to myself and say I’m taking the time to think about what I’m writing. But actually that’s only a small part of it. I’m also considering how my eyes are so tired, I can feel the dark circles under them! How my arms feel so heavy I’m thankful that this typing position means I can keep them low. How it feels like there is cotton wool stuffed inside my forehead. So is this where my time goes? Am I just constantly scanning myself and evaluating how this stupid brain injury has left me? That sounds full of self pity and being self centred, neither of which are admirable traits.

I keep taking on more.

Most of you will know that as well as maintaining this blog, I have also started a Pinterest group board. My aim is to make valuable blogs about brain injury more accessible. So I have been trying to track down other bloggers and invite them to pin their work there as well. Plus I keep looking for other interesting pieces for survivors. It doesn’t sound much, but it all takes time. Please do have a look at it Brain injury group board, there are loads of great articles and info-graphs on there. Please repin any blogs to your own boards, as it will help that person rank higher and their work be shown more often on Pinterest. Hopefully then it’s more likely others who would benefit from reading it will come across it. If you haven’t done so already please follow my group board.

The solution?

So what am I going to do about it? Probably nothing if I’m honest. But I’m going to try to follow these tips I found: wikiHow to Stop Wasting Time. I say try because I’m being realistic with myself. I don’t think I’m going to just suddenly become this model time efficient person. But I could make some improvements, and regain some me time. I want to enjoy life, not just sleep walk through it.

Since your brain injury do you find time passes you by? Have you got any hacks which work for you?

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Order of events becomes disorientated thanks to brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 13 Feb 2017 14:24:36 +0000

People accept that thanks to my brain injury, my memory can be like a sock with a hole. – Most of the foot is happy enough, but if you focus on the toe who is forced into a strip act, that’s a different story. The bit that seems to be harder to accept, is that I can’t always be sure of the order of events.

I would be a terrible police witness.

The more you question me to try to get me to pinpoint the details, the worse I get. Even when it’s a subject I brought up I can quickly realise I am more sketchy than I thought. For example, I might have done something, like found a website that’s really useful and be recommending it to someone. Should they ask how I found it in the first place, I might be confused. A third person may try to remind me they told me about it. Whilst I might remember we briefly spoke about it, I’m not sure if that was before or after I came across it.

It’s not that I don’t want to give credit where it’s due, I just can’t be sure that it happened in that order. So in this instance I would accept they are right and move on. After all that’s a stupid thing to argue about anyway. But what if it was something more important?

If I start to worry I’ve done something wrong, I can picture the events but start to panic about which came first. In my local area there are lots of serious pot holes on the roads. Recently, when driving in the dark my partner James drove over one that was so vicious it bent his alloy wheel. I think the same one got me, but just threw my tracking out. I mentioned this to James’ Dad. He asked why one of us hadn’t warned the other about the offending pot hole. Sensible question, but then my brain froze.

“Oh no, could I have prevented the damage to his car…..?”

I couldn’t even remember when James and I had talked about it and decided we could have been victims of the same gaping hole. Who had brought the subject up? I knew I would have been about to commence the long 3 hour + journey to see my Dad. But was that before or after James’ damage? I didn’t care if James had done it first and not warned me. I was concerned I had caused him inconvenience and money.

James and his Mum swiftly changed the subject to something less contentious. I was clearly floundering and my distress was obvious. Later as James and I discussed it, we realised it might have been the same day. He leaves before 6 am for work, and that day I left at 7.45 am. We didn’t get the chance to speak until the evening. That’s when he said how he pulled over because his car was making a terrible noise that morning. He thought it was a slow puncture to begin with. Anyway, it was neither parties fault. The first opportunity we had to warn one another was too late.

I imagine my behaviour looks like that of a guilty party.

My active imagination starts to misread the situation.

Judge Judy always says “If you tell the truth you don’t have to have a good memory.” So when I’m saying I don’t know, does that make me look like I’m hiding something?

Maybe I need to watch less of that program and actually get a life. I seem to be always assuming the worst. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to that. Perhaps it’s partly my own frustration at not being able to be certain of the facts. Maybe that holey sock will be darned one day, and that toe can warm up.

Do you struggle with the order of events? Do you also feel like a criminal at times?

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