I know I have made a strong recovery so far, and I’m grateful. But there are things I still miss about me prior to my accident. Effectively I’m mourning who I was before I had a traumatic brain injury.
If we all have talents, mine was my brain. So where does that leave me now?
I was never going to be a rocket scientist or the next Albert Einstein, but I wasn’t daft. Lets just say if you needed a sharp tool, you’d be pleased to have me in your box. Whilst I wouldn’t say I was an expert in anything, I was still a useful “go to” person. With descent listening and analysing skills, I could help people problem solve most situations.
But I don’t think that’s me anymore. It’s weird because I still have the same curiosity and tenaciousness. So I think I can help, but as things unfold I realise that either I don’t understand properly, or I just can’t see round the issue. There was such satisfaction to be had in feeling useful.
I’m mourning me even if no one else is.
Like most people who have gone through a life changing experience, some people have removed themselves from my life. And I understand why. We all have had someone in our lives who just changed. We might not know why, but it meant the thing that made them special had been tarnished in some way. Perhaps they got jealous and nasty about something, or stopped being the life and soul of the party so just weren’t fun anymore. Why it happened isn’t relevant, how it makes you feel is all that matters. I know I have been guilty of diluting people from my life when it feels like we’re on different pages suddenly. So I don’t hold it against those who have decided to move on without me.
I still haven’t accepted that something in me is different. So whilst there are people in my life who are proud of the progress I have made, I still disappoint myself.
I know I have to move on, I just don’t know where to.
I might get better still, or I might not. What I need to do is focus on things I can develop. My problem is I’ve not ever really understood how I can improve. As someone who isn’t particularly practical (I absolutely hate cooking) I feel snookered without my trusty quick witted brain.
I’m sure there are others who are equally floundering at working out what use they are now. Of course we all do still have a use, but unless it drives by with lights flashing and bells whistling, it’s not always that obvious. You can read more on what might be next in Next chapter after brain injury, am I in it now?