Mourning me after a brain injury & finding a new calling

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 15:24:36 +0000

I know I have made a strong recovery so far, and I’m grateful. But there are things I still miss about me prior to my accident. Effectively I’m mourning who I was before I had a traumatic brain injury.

If we all have talents, mine was my brain. So where does that leave me now?

I was never going to be a rocket scientist or the next Albert Einstein, but I wasn’t daft. Lets just say if you needed a sharp tool, you’d be pleased to have me in your box. Whilst I wouldn’t say I was an expert in anything, I was still a useful “go to” person. With descent listening and analysing skills, I could help people problem solve most situations.

But I don’t think that’s me anymore. It’s weird because I still have the same curiosity and tenaciousness. So I think I can help, but as things unfold I realise that either I don’t understand properly, or I just can’t see round the issue. There was such satisfaction to be had in feeling useful.

I’m mourning me even if no one else is.

Like most people who have gone through a life changing experience, some people have removed themselves from my life. And I understand why. We all have had someone in our lives who just changed. We might not know why, but it meant the thing that made them special had been tarnished in some way. Perhaps they got jealous and nasty about something, or stopped being the life and soul of the party so just weren’t fun anymore. Why it happened isn’t relevant, how it makes you feel is all that matters. I know I have been guilty of diluting people from my life when it feels like we’re on different pages suddenly. So I don’t hold it against those who have decided to move on without me.

I still haven’t accepted that something in me is different. So whilst there are people in my life who are proud of the progress I have made, I still disappoint myself.

I know I have to move on, I just don’t know where to.

I might get better still, or I might not. What I need to do is focus on things I can develop. My problem is I’ve not ever really understood how I can improve. As someone who isn’t particularly practical (I absolutely hate cooking) I feel snookered without my trusty quick witted brain.

I’m sure there are others who are equally floundering at working out what use they are now. Of course we all do still have a use, but unless it drives by with lights flashing and bells whistling, it’s not always that obvious.

UPDATE 2018 – I HAVE FOUND MY CALLING

I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, and I have now realised where my brain injury was trying to lead me. As I have had such a positive response to this blog, I can now see I can go even further into helping others who are affected by brain injury.

I am now a life coach for brain injury survivors and caregivers. And just I recognise what this confusing journey is like, I know I’m well placed to help others navigate their way through. For more information visit Coaching Services.

Have you been through this mourning process and come out the other side? Or are you still looking for the way?

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Complacent but not carefree after brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 19 Dec 2016 16:07:25 +0000

When I entered my first full time job at 18, it was made clear to me how important attention to detail was. Whilst being human means we all make mistakes, I carried through that key basic with me throughout my career. But 2 years after my brain injury I can see something has changed. I can be complacent about things that previously I would have put extra time and effort into.

“That will do, they won’t mind.”

When wrapping presents for others, I always got comments on my skills. I was trained when I was 21 to be able to wrap perfectly and at speed for customers whilst they watched you, to the standard that french fashion house,Chanel, demand. Don’t worry, I’m not about to bore you to death by giving you a step by step guide on how to get a professional finish. So I made sure anyone who I cared about enough for me to buy a gift for got AT LEAST the same standard I used to give customers.

But as my coordination is slightly off, as is my vision, I now produce much less remarkable wrapped presents. I probably could create something as good as before with extra time and effort, but I’m more complacent about it now. I find I tell myself that they probably won’t care or notice, so that will do. And whilst it is true all the people on my gift list care more about the thought that is put into deciding on a present, I do think they enjoyed how special I made their gifts look before.

“Who am I trying to impress, it doesn’t matter what I look like.”

I would have said I was always well presented. Not over the top or especially glamorous, but I always would have looked smartly dressed. Now though, I care a lot less for my appearance. Only if I’m seeing someone I haven’t seen for a long time do I bother to put on even a flick of mascara. I realise part of that is growing up. Younger ladies worry too much about their appearance, but I really am complacent now. It doesn’t bother me to open the door when I have already changed into my PJ’s and have crazy messy hair piled on top of my head. Previously I would have made James do it, even if was only in his dressing gown after having a shower.

Focusing on what matters.

There are many ways in which my life has changed in the last 2 years. Mostly, but not all due to my brain injury. But as I still suffer from fatigue, short attention span and physical weakness, to name a few, I have to choose my battles. I feel like I aged 10 years overnight and my priorities had to change. Now making things look pretty is something I still like the idea of, but I can’t execute any more. Is my complacent attitude just my way of trying to excuse myself? Perhaps.

Some days I am still terrified of the future. I still can’t plan more than a few days at a time. So any task I commit to doing I have to finish within an allotted period of time so it doesn’t drag on forever. That extra time and effort could turn into a massive disaster for me if I obsess too much about one thing, and then fail to complete the task altogether. So don’t think I have a carefree attitude, because actually it’s quite the opposite. I have to accept my limitations. So I can spend my time and energy wisely on things that matter, and I care dearly about. We only live once, so we have to prioritise.

You can read more about concentration issues in Distracted after brain injury. Feeling dejected.

Do you think you have become more complacent after brain injury? What's your highest priority now?

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