weakness Archives - Jumbledbrain

How a brain injury can make you feel like you’re missing out

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 16 Apr 2018 14:30:27 +0000

As with any life changing event, living with a brain injury means planning ahead most activities. It’s not dissimilar to having to decide if an event will be suitable for small children: what sort of people will be there, how accessible are the toilet facilities, how noisy will it be, is it safe, etc. And if the answers to these questions don’t stake up it can mean you have to sit this one out. Whilst that’s the sensible choice, it can still lead to feeling like you’re missing out on life.

I can’t just seize the opportunity.

It’s not often that my partner James decides to go to a Football match, as the team he supports aren’t local to us. (I know my American friends refer to this sport as Soccer, but seeing as the English started it as far back as the 12th Century I will be using it’s proper name.) His beloved Manchester City are the best part of 200 miles from us. However, they were playing Tottenham Hotspur on Saturday, who this session are using Wembley stadium as their home ground whilst they rebuild their own. With a capacity of 90,000, it is the biggest in the country, and being in London it’s not too far from us. With it’s ample seating, James found that as long as he didn’t mind sitting with the home supporters, there were still tickets available. He really wanted to see the match as Manchester city were on the brink of winning the Premiership title. Previously I always went with him as I hate missing out on the atmosphere. But this time I didn’t.

Why I had to watch it on TV on my own.

There are several reasons why I had to stay home for this one:

No filter – Over the years I have sat amongst the rival teams supporters. It’s actually quite interesting to hear their comments, particularly on the referees decisions when it’s a difficult call. But this does require you to keep your own thoughts to yourself. I mean you are effectively sat amongst “the enemy” and it’s not a good idea to antagonise them as you’re very outnumbered. But my brain injury means at times my filter fails me, so I can’t be trusted to not give the game away.
Noise sensitivity – Massive excitable crowds can be incredibly noisey. It is common for the fans at Premiere league matches to be in excess of 150 decibels. Just to put that into perspective, that is equivalent to standing 25 meters from a jet during take off and can cause the eardrum to rupture. Any overstimulation can be unbearable for brain injury survivors, but even with ear plugs, this would be a step too far.
Anxiety – Being in crowds is difficult enough, but animated Football fans are on another level. I probably would die of my own self induced stress.
Mobility – Once a game has finished there is a mass exitus which is effectively a stampede of thousands of people. As I still have a limp and can’t walk fast, I would be frightened to take my chances as the throng of people rush out of the stadium to the transport links. I imagine I would just get crushed.
Fatigue – I’d had a visitor the day before, and whilst we had a nice time, it takes me days to recover from anything. So I was shattered and needed to sleep, even though I hadn’t been anywhere or stayed up late.

I’m glad James went, as this was the first match he has attended since my accident.

It’s been over 3 years since my car accident, and for any Englishman that’s a long time to not go to a Football match. He needs some fun in life too and shouldn’t be missing out on everything because of me. The last time he went to see Manchester city play was just one month before my accident. We had stayed at the hotel the team use and watched them at the Etihad stadium, their home in Manchester. We even shared the elevator with Gael Clichy who played for the team at the time. I do hope I can join in again one day because you never know what little irreplaceable moments you’re missing out on.

Are there activities you can't attend any more? Or do you have tactics that means you can avoid missing out on key events?

The post How a brain injury can make you feel like you’re missing out appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

A brain injury can leave your energy levels exhausted

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Thu, 11 May 2017 11:25:19 +0000

When I know I have something particular happening the next day I plan ahead. I make sure I get plenty of sleep that night, and have everything organised. This always used to work for me before. It meant I would be ready with my “A game” and be on top form. Naturally I still needed a good cup of tea to help me on my way. But soon I’d be on my marks, primed for the off. However my brain injury turned all that on it’s head, leaving me exhausted.

Fatigue isn’t something you can just snap out of.

I was going to the National Pet Show. If you follow me on Twitter you might have seen some pictures I was tweeting of Dexter, my Bengal. They said they were going to display visitors pet photos, so I wanted my little hero up there. But they did nothing of the sort, I was duped into advertising for them. However it demonstrated my excitement. I had been the previous year to the event in Birmingham, and had an amazing time. This year I was going to London, as it’s more local for me. And I imagined everything is always better in the capital, so this would be a show stopper.

But from the moment I woke up I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. I don’t have an explanation for why, only that my brain injury has a mind of its own. My partner James spotted it immediately and kept suggesting maybe we shouldn’t go. But I had been looking forward to this for ages. The brain injury wasn’t going to beat me this time.

Travelling when you’re exhausted is a nightmare.

We drove to a tube station where at the weekend there is free parking near by. Even on this leg of the journey I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I couldn’t hold a conversation as that took brain power I just didn’t have. James was chauffeur, but still noticed I was spent. But I ploughed on and we began the tube journey the to Excel centre.

As the London underground is quieter at the weekend than it is during the week I was coping. But I felt like I was existing instead of living. It went down hill when we changed at Canning Town to get the Docklands Light Railway or DLR. (The DLR is still part of the underground, except it’s overground without being “The Overground line”. Confused?)

These trains are one long beast. The carriages are joined by sections which can twist and turn with the track, whilst allowing it to be wall free between the carriages. This part of the journey was the busiest, as the Excel centre always gets good attendance when it holds events.

So as we tried to find a space, we found ourselves standing in one these connecting sections. But I didn’t notice I had one foot in the carriage, and one on the twisting floor. I stood, hanging on to a hanging strap for standing passengers. Next to me was some guy who smelt like he hadn’t had a wash for a week. As he too was hanging on a strap, but was taller than me, my nose was almost in one of the offending armpits. The odour was overpowering that even when the train started moving, I still couldn’t sense my legs were moving in different directions. I was thrown all over the place. I survived, but if I hadn’t been so exhausted I don’t think I would have made this error. Thankfully, no one was hurt.

Adrenaline is like making a pact with the devil.

Once inside I loaded up on coffee. And the excitement of seeing the amazing creatures got my adrenaline going. Soon I was more like me, and was pleased I’d come. Although I would say in my opinion Birmingham did it better than London. They created a better environment and atmosphere, but the birds and animals were what I came for.

But whilst adrenaline gives a welcome boost, it comes at a price. Days after the event I’m still exhausted. All it means is you have energy up front, but like a loan shark it makes you pay with interest. You pay for it many times over.

So should I have continued, or stayed at home and rest? Life is for living, and whilst I’m feeling down and out now, you have to make to most of things. Life is too short to just live in the safe, boring zone forever. Just be prepared for a prolonged visit to the safe, boring zone after the excitement is over.

If you feel this describes well what we go through, please share it on your social media so others can try to understand.

The post A brain injury can leave your energy levels exhausted appeared first on Jumbledbrain.