Terrified I’ll fail after brain injury & dealing with my fears

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Fri, 23 Dec 2016 13:14:40 +0000

I have lots to be proud of regarding my brain injury recovery. Most people would struggle to believe I couldn’t read, let alone write a blog following my TBI. So I’m regularly asked “have you thought about work?” as people see how far I’ve come. Yes I’ve thought about it, and it TERRIFIES me. I hate letting people down, and so I’m frightened I will fail.

Previously I wrote about trying to interview too early and how devastating that was for me: Unexpected interview disaster for TBI survivor But even if I got through an interview, would I be any good?

Anyone who has a career break for any reason, children, redundancy, health etc returning to employment can be nerve racking. You worry how long it will take you to get up to speed again. And if you even have the same potential as you did before. But when your brain can’t be trusted, building your self confidence can feel like an uphill challenge. A small fail like forgetting to hit send on an email, could make all the difference. In my last job if I didn’t submit paperwork on time the company would not be paid in time, which puts all the staffs wages at risk. Thankfully that never happened, but since my brain injury it feels like that sort of thing could be a possibility.

At the moment my priority is my elderly Dad. Despite the fact we live opposite sides of the country, I am doing everything I can to help him as his health diminishes with his advancing years. To me that is the biggest responsibility of my life, and I genuinely hope my efforts are good enough. He needs me so this would be an awful time to fail him.

Last night I had a dream about my parents discovering something I had forgot to do. They found I hadn’t put company insurance on Dad’s car, only private. I left dreadful as I tried to explain my error but found I was struggling to remember things properly. It wasn’t that they had a go at me, just that I felt I had let them down. I’m sure this dream was about many factors; My Mum passed 3 weeks after my car accident and Dad doesn’t even have a drivers licence anymore let alone a car. I’m sure this was about trying to put my life back to where it was, but even in my dream my brain injury was still present. So is it the one thing that I can’t imagine changing in another reality?

I have lots to be thankful for, and believe me I am. And I’m sure one day I will bounce back, but I’m not ready yet. As I’m spending so much time at Dads side, I struggle to commit to anything so I can only plan a few days at a time. Mostly because I feel that I might have to change my plans at a moments notice to support him if anything happens. So rather than let people down, I don’t make firm commitments. I’m very unsure of the future, but at least I have one.

UPDATE 2018

Dad passed away in the Autumn of 2017, which as you can imagine was heart-breaking for me. But I know I made a difference to his life when he needed me most. So that and this blog have inspired me to become a Life coach for those who are affected by brain injury. It you want to learn more about what I do and how I could help you visit Coaching Services.

How has your self confidence been affected? Are you able to plan for the long term?

The post Terrified I’ll fail after brain injury & dealing with my fears appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

Complacent but not carefree after brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 19 Dec 2016 16:07:25 +0000

When I entered my first full time job at 18, it was made clear to me how important attention to detail was. Whilst being human means we all make mistakes, I carried through that key basic with me throughout my career. But 2 years after my brain injury I can see something has changed. I can be complacent about things that previously I would have put extra time and effort into.

“That will do, they won’t mind.”

When wrapping presents for others, I always got comments on my skills. I was trained when I was 21 to be able to wrap perfectly and at speed for customers whilst they watched you, to the standard that french fashion house,Chanel, demand. Don’t worry, I’m not about to bore you to death by giving you a step by step guide on how to get a professional finish. So I made sure anyone who I cared about enough for me to buy a gift for got AT LEAST the same standard I used to give customers.

But as my coordination is slightly off, as is my vision, I now produce much less remarkable wrapped presents. I probably could create something as good as before with extra time and effort, but I’m more complacent about it now. I find I tell myself that they probably won’t care or notice, so that will do. And whilst it is true all the people on my gift list care more about the thought that is put into deciding on a present, I do think they enjoyed how special I made their gifts look before.

“Who am I trying to impress, it doesn’t matter what I look like.”

I would have said I was always well presented. Not over the top or especially glamorous, but I always would have looked smartly dressed. Now though, I care a lot less for my appearance. Only if I’m seeing someone I haven’t seen for a long time do I bother to put on even a flick of mascara. I realise part of that is growing up. Younger ladies worry too much about their appearance, but I really am complacent now. It doesn’t bother me to open the door when I have already changed into my PJ’s and have crazy messy hair piled on top of my head. Previously I would have made James do it, even if was only in his dressing gown after having a shower.

Focusing on what matters.

There are many ways in which my life has changed in the last 2 years. Mostly, but not all due to my brain injury. But as I still suffer from fatigue, short attention span and physical weakness, to name a few, I have to choose my battles. I feel like I aged 10 years overnight and my priorities had to change. Now making things look pretty is something I still like the idea of, but I can’t execute any more. Is my complacent attitude just my way of trying to excuse myself? Perhaps.

Some days I am still terrified of the future. I still can’t plan more than a few days at a time. So any task I commit to doing I have to finish within an allotted period of time so it doesn’t drag on forever. That extra time and effort could turn into a massive disaster for me if I obsess too much about one thing, and then fail to complete the task altogether. So don’t think I have a carefree attitude, because actually it’s quite the opposite. I have to accept my limitations. So I can spend my time and energy wisely on things that matter, and I care dearly about. We only live once, so we have to prioritise.

You can read more about concentration issues in Distracted after brain injury. Feeling dejected.

Do you think you have become more complacent after brain injury? What's your highest priority now?

The post Complacent but not carefree after brain injury appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

cares Archives - Jumbledbrain