Anxiety Archives - Jumbledbrain

TBI and PTSD isn’t limited to just war vets, it can happen to anyone

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Fri, 09 Oct 2020 12:02:22 +0000

There has always been media coverage about how service men and women in the armed forces can sustain visible and invisible injuries which can be life changing. And of course it’s absolutely right that the public are made aware of the sacrifices these people make on the behalves of the citizens of their country. They deserve respect and more importantly, support and understanding when they return home. In fact, PTSD only really started to get recognised as a thing from back in the day that it was referred to as “shell shock” when war vets returned home with changed behaviour following serving in a campaign. So for that I thank them as well, because at least that started us talking about it.

But actually you don’t have to be working in a danger zone to sustain a traumatic brain injury (TBI) or suffer Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Normal civilians just going about their daily business can be casualties to both of these serious and complex conditions, often whilst doing the most mundane activities.

Road traffic accidents and sporting collisions also result in a high number of TBI’s

I’m sure that by now many of you know that I sustained a diffuse axonal brain injury (where lots of connections across a vast area are ripped) in a car accident due to the rotation forces of the impact. You might also know that I don’t remember that day at all, so you could be forgiven for thinking that my lack of memory saved me from developing PTSD. If only that’s how it works….

Being a passenger in a car terrifying

Something in my brain was constantly looking for danger, but with a dramatically reduced processing speed, I was seeing it late. As I wasn’t in control of the car, or sure if the person driving me had seen the hazard, I would panic, making an involuntary yelp. I’m sure this was distracting for the driver and not at all helpful, but I couldn’t help it. But at least this was understandable and a reasonable response.

Then the irrational fears set in

Just days after my release from hospital my mum died in a tragic accident at home. The shock was overwhelming and I found I was struggling to function. I think this, coupled with the car accident which had happened only a few weeks before, triggered my fear of anyone important to me dieing. Everytime my phone rang I began to panic, certain that it was going to be some catastrophic news. My biggest fear was that my partner, James, was going to die. I insisted that every day, if I was still asleep when he was leaving for work he had to wake me up to say goodbye. It was like it was a forgone conclusion that he was going to die in some horrible accident, but I just didn’t know which day it would be. I didn’t want it to be that I didn’t say goodbye when it happened.

This stage of being constantly on edge was exhausting. Any sound that I wasn’t expecting, like a person walking into the room, would make me jump up so violently it was almost painful. All day everyday, I would be shaking with anxiety.

My brain used another unexpected tragedy as proof that this fear was rational

In the next summer my cat went missing for a few days. In previous summers he would wander off for a few days, so initially that didn’t set off the alarms. After 3 or 4 days James said he was going to look in the trees behind our garden just in case he was out there but refusing to come in. Moments later I saw him hurrying back towards the house with a distressed look on his face. “He’s dead!” he said. For a moment I though it must have been my brain overreacting again and that I’d miss heard him. Then he repeated it and I’m sure the colour must have drained from my face. The poor little thing was literally just the other side of our fence. He had no injuries, so he probably had a heart attack. The uncontrollable shakes, which had calmed down only recently, came back with vengeance. My nightmares were coming true, and that was all my brain needed to cement my worries of loved ones suddenly passing away .

I think I must have driven James potty, by always saying how everyday he might die, although he was very patient and understanding with me. As you can imagine, this also lead to me assuming every bit of news I got about anything would be disastrous. If anyone stated saying something and paused, I would jump in, asking “What,what?!” as I needed them to get to the point super fast so I could stop panicking about what awful news they might be about to impart. I can’t remember how long this behaviour went on for or when I learned to stop worrying about things that hadn’t happened, but it was a long time.

I’m telling you this not because I want your sympathy, but because I want people to realise that both TBI and PTSD can happen to anyone. It doesn’t have to even be something that extraordinary which causes it. Neither my car accident, or the passing of my mum and cat are that uncommon, although devastating. These irrational fears are all consuming, and whilst it might appear overly dramatic to the next person, they are very real for the sufferer. So please, if someone appears to worry and panic about things which you deem unnecessary, please show them patience and kindness. You can say “Calm down dear”, until you’re blue in the face, but all you’re going to do it might it worse. Compassion will get you much further.

Other articles you may like:

How has having a brain injury and PTSD affected you?

Do you have tips for coping would you like to share with others?

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Brain injury survivors guide through anxiety : Book review

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Wed, 12 Aug 2020 15:41:19 +0000

It’s always a pleasure to be able to celebrate how far a fellow brain injury survivor has come since their injury. That’s why when writer Tanya Peterson, who is a fellow survivor asked me to review her book, I was delighted to. She has authored both novels and self-help books before, and is credentialed as a National Certified Counselor so I knew her latest offering, “The mindful path through anxiety: An 8-week plan to quiet your mind & gain calm” was going to be full of useful information.

How this book helped me make sense of my experience of anxiety

I started having panic attacks after my car accident about things that I really didn’t need to be panicking about. The craziest one was when there was a mix up with my car insurance and they overcharged me thinking that I had entered some wrong details when I was taking out the policy. (It’s a long story as to why this happened and it’s not interesting or pertinent so I’ll just move on. ) I think at worst it meant I was going to be charged an extra £100, which isn’t a small sum of money, but it also wasn’t go to leave me broke. I’d been stressing about it by myself over several hours, so when my partner James got home I unleashed my feelings of injustice. It was a full on rant about how terrible it was and how I didn’t know know to resolve it. James was calm, and told me to just call them tomorrow and explain, he was confident that they would understand and reverse the charges. In my state of high anxiety, this level headed approach felt like he wasn’t understanding how I was being victimised in my eyes, and I got even more distressed. Suddenly I was in the grips of a full on panic attack, and I couldn’t breathe. I started to get dizzy and laid down, sure that I was going to suffocate and die. Thankfully I did survive this episode, but it was the first time I recognised that I suffered from anxiety.

However, for a long time I went on believing that I wasn’t an anxious person before my accident. My friends and family always described me as sensible and level-headed, but that was because that’s what I allowed them to see. Believing it their narrative, I discounted that fact that I was silently worrying about things all the time. This I thought was just because I was open to all outcomes of my actions and inactions, which meant analysing both the good and bad possibilities.

That was until I read this book……

Tanya doesn’t give you instructions, she explains things in a compassionate way

It was in the section where she details the different forms for anxiety that I realised my silent constant worrying was the first form of my anxiousness. What that meant was that I finally accepted that anxiety has been a part of my whole life, not just since my brain injury. However my accident had exacerbated it. Anxiety was always there, but it didn’t rule my life, I had coping methods although I hadn’t recognised that was what was happening. This light bulb moment was key for me because it proved what Tanya says about mindfulness is true:

“Mindfulness is within you. It’s a state of being, a mind-set, that helps you flow through life unencumbered by anxiety. Mindfulness involves skills that you develop and hone, such as observation, acceptance, awareness, and openness to what is. When you have these skills, you won’t be stuck in fear and worry, hypervigilant for problems and things that might go wrong.”

What I also enjoy about this book, is even in the paperback version there is a helpful use of colour. The headings are a soft purple and pages with important details are green. This all contrasts with the black print, and is helpful for those of us who struggle with attention and concentration. It stops my eyes from getting bored of just staring at text and highlights go places for a moment of reflection.

When mindfulness isn’t just meditation

Lots of us have heard of Mindfulness Meditation and it’s a very useful practice. But not everyone feels it’s right for them. If your one of those people, please don’t discount this book as not for you. Tanya explains how this way of being doesn’t mean you have to sit in silence. It’s a though process that goes on all the time, no matter what you are doing. I know that sounds like a lot of work, but honesty it isn’t. And Tanya has broken this down into 8 weeks worth of work to help you build this into the fabric of your life. It just simple tasks just help you take on board each new chapter and weave it into your way of being.

Even if you’re a sceptic of mindfulness, I urge you to give this book a try. I’m not saying that because I’ve been paid to, in fact all I got was a paper copy of the book so I could review it. So I’ve got nothing to gain by me writing this, but you have.

Other articles you may like:

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Guest Post: Navigating a Brain Injury During a Pandemic

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Thu, 30 Jul 2020 16:00:41 +0000

TBI survivor, Dr Rob Tennant, has written a piece about how the global pandemic of covid-19 is affecting him. Of course it is affecting everyone, but those of us who already have a health issue are understandably nervous. Read his message below.

Pandemics, by their very nature are rare and unusual. As this pandemic draws out and frays people’s nerves, it can be especially difficult for the TBI community. While my lived experience is from the perspective of being post-TBI, as an educator, I encounter a wide variety of people that need academic accommodations. While I focus on TBI specifically, these recommendations may prove helpful to others as well.

Personally, I have to guard against ruminating on all of the challenging news in the media. Cities going crazy, riots, over one-hundred thousand dead from the COVID-19. (See, it’s easy to descend to that place). Loved ones will often suggest “just think positive, or “don’t dwell on things so much.” They mean well, but it doesn’t lead to a better outcome.

I find it effective to distance myself from the problem that consumes me. For example, if I were dwelling on “will the lockdown ever end?” I would try to look at it from another perspective, and perhaps ask myself, “does the governor really want to close the state down forever?” And I can quickly see that of course they want to resume a robust economy and return to normalcy as soon as possible.

Anxiety is not uncommon during stressful times, especially in this age of mass social media availability. When my mom was anxious about something, she would write it all down. Research shows that this method is also very helpful for neuro-diverse folks, as journaling is effective in dealing with stress, depression, and anxiety.

The pandemic has put the world in a perpetual state of flux and insists that every new change is the “new normal.” Students having to switch to online, parents having to homeschool their children, while working remotely, essential workers still going to work has fueled stress, anxiety and depression in the TBI community. Those with brain injuries can find it challenging to overcome the daily changes to our world. We have to encourage each other that we are going to get through this and uplift each other, so we can make it through.

I have lived with my head injury since 1987. I have found that the challenges that I face are not different from those of the neurotypical. However, the magnitude of the struggles is more extreme. My recommendation for those experiencing these increased challenges is to employ the strategies discussed here, avoid isolation during these challenging times, and seek help if you get overwhelmed. Sometimes, we need the help of professionals to guide us to better days.

If the overwhelmed person is a loved one, listen to them, empathize with them, and be there for them. Most of the time they are not looking for someone to solve the situation, they just need a loving ear to listen. Just remember, most of us had never heard of the Spanish Flu epidemic of 1918, until earlier this year. In time, the fears that dominate the conversation now, will be faded memories told to children and grandchildren.

Other articles you may like:

Do you feel more anxious as a brain injury survivor in this pandemic?

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Living uninhibited thanks to brain injury, my realisation

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 02 Jun 2020 16:05:02 +0000

When we moved into this house many years ago, I wanted it to be sophisticated and stylish, so we used pops of colour rather than allowing our use of colour to be garish. And it hasn’t changed much, mostly because redecorating can be too difficult with a curious cat about the place. We worry about opening the windows upstairs because he always looks like he’s so over excited that he’ll accidently throw himself out and go “splat” on the patio below, so filling the place with wet walls and paint fumes isn’t something we would do lightly. But instead I have recently given the garden shed a makeover. I didn’t even discuss with James what I was going to do to it. I told him the colours I was using, but seeing as he says he can’t envisage things, I did’t wait for his approval.

Feeling that my choice was right

I don’t know why, but I was confident in my choice, and whilst I knew it was unusual, I thought it was inspired. Sheds are often boring, and the inside of ours is definitely that. But I decided that as I see the outside of the shed everyday from my living room sofa, I wanted to make it more fun. Long story short, it’s got so many stars on it, it looks like the world smallest night club!

This isn’t going to be to everyone’s taste, and I admit it’s over the top even for me. However, it got me thinking about how it really didn’t matter if other people liked it or not (apart from James seeing as he lives here too.)

Years of worrying if others opinions would change based on my taste.

As a teenager I remember being so confused about how everyone could give each other a hard time about something simple like what music bands they liked. I worried about being the butt of the abuse so much, I rarely named any that I actually liked. It was the 90’s so brit pop was ruled by Oasis and Blur, and somehow a cultural developed that you had to be in either one camp or the other. Personally I liked both but was slightly more drawn to Oasis, and so if asked that’s the camp I was in. That meant if a Blur track came on I couldn’t be caught tapping to the beat or humming along otherwise I’d be caught out as migrating to the other side.

This made me feel like a fraud and that I should have definite ideas on what was my taste. But in honesty I didn’t follow music just because a particular band or artist had created it, it was just if that individual track resonated with me. Between this, and worrying about being caught out for liking the wrong stuff I rarely bought CD’s. (Yes kids this was before we could just download a track. We either bought a “single” for what felt like a lot for what you got, or you went the whole hog and bought the album.)

How I’ve become uninhibited thanks to brain injury.

One day someone close to me commented on that fact that I love to wear clothes with fun prints on them: like flamingos or pineapples. They said how I’m actually quite childish. Initially I took offense to this. It sounded like that where calling me immature and putting my down. But later I realised that actually what they meant was that I was fun and uninhibited like a child. Whereas before my brain injury I was a woman in her 30’s who had confidence and knew her own mind, I was still concerned with image. I needed to come across as professional, and I didn’t think flamingos necessarily fit the bill (no pun intended.)

As I’ve slowly regained some confidence following my brain injury, I’ve come to realise that I don’t have to worry if others don’t agree with my taste. Yes I might be a bit eccentric, but so was Einstein. Thinking back to when I was a teenager I desperately wanted to be one of those rare few who didn’t care what people said about their choices. Being different and just comfortable with who they were was actually much more attractive than the rest of us sheep who where just followers. Perhaps that’s what a life changing event does to people. Silly things like worrying if another person would like my crazy shed becomes trivial when you’ve gone through so much. I have touched on this a little before in Complacent but not carefree after brain injury which I wrote around 3 years ago. Then I was generally struggling more than I am now, so I put my almost slap-dash attitude down to necessity because I needed to pace myself better. However I now see that it’s do to with my perspective on life and finding enjoyment where you can too.

The teenage me would be proud of me.

Finally I have become the person the teenage me really admired and wanted to be. No, I’m still not sporty, have the figure of a super model or am running an amazing business empire. But I am finally being open about who I truly am, and not wasting energy trying to react to things in a particular way so the cool crowd will approve of me. Thanks brain injury, who knows if I could have done it without you.

Other articles you may like:

Are you uninhibited after your brain injury, and do you want to be?

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Are these brain zaps just anxiety or my brain injury?

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 12 Aug 2019 15:53:41 +0000

Since my car accident, I have noticed that I get brain zaps at times (or electric shocks as I have described them as to my partner James.) I’ve read many articles which claim these can happen to anyone as they can be a response to a change in some medications and/or anxiety. I’m sure that is true, but I think it also happens to me because of my head injury.

Brain zap symptoms

There are a number of different sensations people can have when they have a brain zap. Personally I have 2 very different types of episodes. The first basically looks like a very dramatic full body shiver like what happens when one is cold. But it can appear pretty weird because it makes me shake my head in an odd manner. This is sort of an involuntary tic. The second is more scary and painful: This is the one that is more like an electric shock and it hurts my head. It’s peculiar because the most intense spots are in my left temple and my left wrist. I almost can imagine that they are the entry and exit points on the electric charge. (Just to be clear, I am not really having an electric shock, it’s just the best way of describing it.) Just before either of these episodes happen I have a tense feeling. I don’t mean in my muscles, just a sense. The tense feeling will suddenly build just seconds before the episode, and once the zap is over I’m left with a sense of relief as the tension is over. The zap is over very quickly for me, but I know some people unfortunately have extended episodes.

What are brain zaps?

I haven’t managed to identify if they have an official name, but brain zap seems to be one of the most common descriptions for it. Other terms people may use include brain shivers, brain shocks, head shocks, or my favourite, because I think it helps others imagine what I’m experiencing, electrical shocks. There is no evidence to suggest that these are dangerous, but believe me it’s pretty disconcerting. I’ve also struggled to find a definitive answer as to what is actually happening when one of these episodes happens. The closest I have come to a explanation is on Anxietycentre.com:

“Seizures are caused by the over-excitement of neurons that then cause an “excessive, hypersynchronous discharge” in the brain. This discharge can cause abnormal neuronal firing that sends uncontrolled neurological signals to the rest of the body causing convulsions and loss of consciousness.

Minor localized seizures, however, produce a small effect. This localization is thought to account for the brain zaps and head zaps symptom where the effects of the “electrical shock” feelings are minimal……hyperstimulation can cause the over-excitation of neurons similar to the cause of seizures, but on a smaller, more localized scale.”

What can cause brain zaps?

It is suggested that some anti depressants can cause this by changing the levels of serotonin in the brain. However as we all have different chemistry this isn’t necessarily true for us all. I started having brain zaps before starting antidepressants, and they still affect me now even though I have been on the same dosage for a long time. It is often reported that some patients can experience zaps as they lower their dosage and it is a consequence of withdrawal. Therefore you should always consult your doctor so they can supervise the pace at which you do this to minimise any adverse effects.

Another culprit can be anxiety and/or depression as it often is due to low levels of GABA Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid). GABA is the brain’s primary inhibitory neurotransmitter responsible for calming the nervous system. Without enough GABA the neurons in the brain can become overactive which is why it feels like the brain has suddenly started to short out. This makes sense to me and I do feel that this suggestion goes some way to explaining why this happens to me.

But this didn’t happen before my brain injury so is it connected?

The short answer is I don’t know, but I strongly suspect it is. Why? Because I have damaged pathways in my brain, so all the information and instructions are being sent the long way round. This means that my head injury is invisible and the average person would never spot anything wrong with me. However, just like it’s more tiring to walk home rather than take the car, my brain is working much harder than before to complete every task. Therefore I can image that in this situation my working neurons can become more overactive as they are having to make up for their damaged counterparts.

Invariably after a long day which has included something like a difficult conversation or travel, at some point in the day I will have a few zaps. So yes stress is a factor, but I think my TBI means my tolerance levels for it have been decreased. I wasn’t an anxious person before my injury so it has definitely affected my brain chemistry and mental health. Therefore I’m blaming my brain injury for that as well.

Do brain zaps affect you? Do you think it's your medication or anxiety or do you think it's because of your brain injury?

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How a brain injury can make you feel like you’re missing out

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 16 Apr 2018 14:30:27 +0000

As with any life changing event, living with a brain injury means planning ahead most activities. It’s not dissimilar to having to decide if an event will be suitable for small children: what sort of people will be there, how accessible are the toilet facilities, how noisy will it be, is it safe, etc. And if the answers to these questions don’t stake up it can mean you have to sit this one out. Whilst that’s the sensible choice, it can still lead to feeling like you’re missing out on life.

I can’t just seize the opportunity.

It’s not often that my partner James decides to go to a Football match, as the team he supports aren’t local to us. (I know my American friends refer to this sport as Soccer, but seeing as the English started it as far back as the 12th Century I will be using it’s proper name.) His beloved Manchester City are the best part of 200 miles from us. However, they were playing Tottenham Hotspur on Saturday, who this session are using Wembley stadium as their home ground whilst they rebuild their own. With a capacity of 90,000, it is the biggest in the country, and being in London it’s not too far from us. With it’s ample seating, James found that as long as he didn’t mind sitting with the home supporters, there were still tickets available. He really wanted to see the match as Manchester city were on the brink of winning the Premiership title. Previously I always went with him as I hate missing out on the atmosphere. But this time I didn’t.

Why I had to watch it on TV on my own.

There are several reasons why I had to stay home for this one:

No filter – Over the years I have sat amongst the rival teams supporters. It’s actually quite interesting to hear their comments, particularly on the referees decisions when it’s a difficult call. But this does require you to keep your own thoughts to yourself. I mean you are effectively sat amongst “the enemy” and it’s not a good idea to antagonise them as you’re very outnumbered. But my brain injury means at times my filter fails me, so I can’t be trusted to not give the game away.
Noise sensitivity – Massive excitable crowds can be incredibly noisey. It is common for the fans at Premiere league matches to be in excess of 150 decibels. Just to put that into perspective, that is equivalent to standing 25 meters from a jet during take off and can cause the eardrum to rupture. Any overstimulation can be unbearable for brain injury survivors, but even with ear plugs, this would be a step too far.
Anxiety – Being in crowds is difficult enough, but animated Football fans are on another level. I probably would die of my own self induced stress.
Mobility – Once a game has finished there is a mass exitus which is effectively a stampede of thousands of people. As I still have a limp and can’t walk fast, I would be frightened to take my chances as the throng of people rush out of the stadium to the transport links. I imagine I would just get crushed.
Fatigue – I’d had a visitor the day before, and whilst we had a nice time, it takes me days to recover from anything. So I was shattered and needed to sleep, even though I hadn’t been anywhere or stayed up late.

I’m glad James went, as this was the first match he has attended since my accident.

It’s been over 3 years since my car accident, and for any Englishman that’s a long time to not go to a Football match. He needs some fun in life too and shouldn’t be missing out on everything because of me. The last time he went to see Manchester city play was just one month before my accident. We had stayed at the hotel the team use and watched them at the Etihad stadium, their home in Manchester. We even shared the elevator with Gael Clichy who played for the team at the time. I do hope I can join in again one day because you never know what little irreplaceable moments you’re missing out on.

Other articles you may like:

Are there activities you can't attend any more? Or do you have tactics that means you can avoid missing out on key events?

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Brain injury survivor explains why people have depression wrong

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Thu, 27 Jul 2017 16:14:40 +0000

As someone who has faced depression and anxiety, I’m always drawn to articles where people talk about them. I mostly find them on Pinterest as it’s full of great work. But as well as blogs, there are images of quotes or thought provoking sayings. And it’s one of the most commonly used ones that I take issue with. Not because I’m a brain injury survivor, just as someone who as struggled with these demons.

Have these people ever really experienced depression and anxiety?

Depression is when you don’t really care about anything. Anxiety is when you care about everything too much. And having both is just like hell.

What are they talking about? If I didn’t care about something it wouldn’t make me feel anything, let alone depression. It is born out of shame and guilt, two of the most self destructive emotions.

Yes I understand that a sufferer may not care as much about how clean their home is for example. But that happens because when depression is making you question your self-worth. It makes the washing up pale into insignificance.

Anxiety is about over analysing things because you want to stop negative things from happening. It’s about fear, not a measurement of how much you care. Following my brain injury anxiety became a big thing for me, as I would immediately go to worst case scenario. It’s your brain trying to keep you alert and avoid danger. Unfortunately it means you see danger in situations when it’s not necessary.

You can’t put these powerful states of emotion in 3 sentences.

It makes me annoyed that these people think they are being clever, minimising mental illness this way. I’m all for raising awareness, and having a starting point for creating a discussion. But at least get it right.

I was depressed because I didn’t see that I was good enough anymore. My brain injury had stolen many of my skills and I couldn’t see what I had to offer. So many times I offered to my partner James, that I move out and go look after my Dad. I said it because I loved James so much, I was prepared to let him go and find a way to be happy without me being a heavy burden. It most certainly wasn’t because I didn’t care. For me, I was offering self sacrifice to protect the person I loved.

In fact that would have put me straight in the path of anxiety, which I knew. My Dad was struggling with Alzheimer’s, but still wanted to be in control, as a Dad should be. But how do you guild someone who thinks they are the leader of the pack? And the responsibility of someone else’s life when you have only just sustained a serious brain injury yourself, is just too great. Why would I offer to put myself in an overwhelming situation if I didn’t give two hoots?

Mental health is a journey, there’s highs and lows, but we keep going because we care.

Despite how my brain injury made me question myself, I knew I had to move forward for both James and my Dad. All they wanted was for me to be happy again. It took time, but I got there. But I also know happiness isn’t a remote island where depression can’t get you. It’s like a Vulture, just watching and waiting for it’s chance. Just as well I like Vultures then, seeing as it’s going to be a companion for the rest of this trip.

Other articles you may like:

What do you think of depression and anxiety being described this way? Or does having a brain injury make a difference?

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Avoiding problems: I must stop burying my head (inc injured brain) in the sand

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 02 May 2017 17:03:54 +0000

As I progressed though school, I realised that some teachers gave you a bit more breathing space than others about producing your homework on time. So I liked to think I was learning to prioritise which pieces I needed to deal with, when I hadn’t even started some by the completion date. But really I was just avoiding certain ones. It might be because it was more challenging, or just that frankly it was boring to me. Occasionally I found myself in hot water, but not very often. I might be more consistent for a while, but it wouldn’t last and I’d slip back into my old ways. I think I got away with it because otherwise I was a good student. Good attendance, not lippy and good grades. And maybe I did learn how to prioritise, but now I must stop avoiding things. I must take responsibility for my actions, or I’ll continue to add to my worries.

Avoiding thinking about it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

The last 2.5 years since the car accident that caused my brain injury have passed me by in a blur. And yet many major things have happened during that time. I became the Power of Attorney for my Dad and am responsible for all his finances. I can tell you that still feels weird, but I think I did quite well at most things for him. Even though I adapted well to running his day to day finances, there was still lots to learn. I applied to the Government for the support he was entitled to, and would make sure he was paying the right income taxes.

But with all the will in the world, it turned out I had missed out something which was worth a lot of money. In the UK when a person is diagnosed with Dementia they become exempt from paying their council tax. I only read this by chance somewhere. I can’t even remember where. But whilst the fact lodged itself in my brain, I took no further action, even though I knew that Dad had continued to pay his council tax ever since his diagnosis over a year ago. Why? Because I didn’t want to have to explain to someone that I was useless and hadn’t informed the council earlier.

If you keep avoiding it, the stress just keeps building.

I compounded this by keeping it to myself, I didn’t even ask someone to help. It was my problem, no one else’s. So it made itself at home, and started festering inside me. My brain injury means I have limited attention and concentration, making it even easier to ignore something. But when it would pop into my mind it would be bigger and uglier than the last time we met. It felt like having the debt collector knocking at your door and telling you, that with the interest added, the debt had just doubled.

In my mind I would imagine how badly the conversation with the council would go, and how impossibly complicated it would be. I kept trying to tell myself that even if I tried I would get it wrong and it would be denied – resulting in a lot of frustration and a waste of effort.

It’s not always as difficult as you think.

But finally I grew a backbone, and decided to put and end to this stupid situation. It was totally of my own making so now I was calling time on it. I called the council! And I wasn’t even sat on hold for the next decade. Instead a pleasant lady quickly looked up Dad’s file and explained what I needed to do next. She would send me a form for me to sign authorising Dads doctor to confirm his diagnosis with the council. In total, this took no more than 10 minutes. And whilst the form is still on it’s way to me, I’m no longer terrified of what it needs me to answer.

Don’t get me wrong, having a brain injury means this is so much harder. But whilst many things in my life are being suffocated by the pause button, some things go on. Life is full of choices, and if I have chosen to deal with this straight away, I could have saved myself a lot of stress as well as Dads money.

Do you find yourself avoiding things instead of dealing with them? Have you found you do this more or less often since your brain injury?

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Friends agony of my brain injury I didn’t let her help with

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Thu, 13 Apr 2017 13:44:47 +0000

I have many friends who live far away as I relocated years ago. But they are amazing friends that although we rarely see each other, when we do it’s like we only saw each other yesterday. And they mean the world to me. But when I was first injured I didn’t let on to them how badly I was affected. I suppose I wanted them to think of me the way I was, not the broken confused mess I had become. Perhaps that was egotistical of me. Also I thought I was doing them a favour. They were so far away they couldn’t do much anyway. So I thought it would just be something they would worry about that they didn’t need. But actually I have realised that maybe I was being unfair.

I bottled it all up.

Whilst you are used to me being very honest with you about my experience, it wasn’t always like this. I’d gone from this confident, self assured woman, to a babbling, twitching mess. I used to enjoy how people would value my opinion on things and ask me for advice. But suddenly I had nothing to offer, so I just sent out the message that I had survived a car accident. That’s it. Whilst they were all thinking “That was a close shave” they didn’t know this was much worse than just whiplash.

But my friends were devastated I didn’t ask for help.

My friend H (I don’t know if she minds being named) when I first started this blog sat down and read 5 articles in one go. These were the ones that really lay out the initial struggle of my brain injury. H found herself crying that I had faced that without my closest friends. Previously I wrote in Relationships vanish magnifying the trauma of brain injury about what it’s like to find some people aren’t in your life anymore as they can’t deal with the change. And there are some people who fall into this category who I can guarantee don’t read this blog. But actually H and some others would have bent over backwards for me, if I had let them. I was busy thinking how I had nothing to give, but H just wanted to help, not take anything in return.

Don’t put words in other people mouths.

I had misjudged the situation altogether. Maybe that was because I undervalued myself. I knew H was an amazing person, as are the few friends I still have keep in touch with in the South West of England. But we had never faced a test like this, and as life moves on, I assumed this broken me wouldn’t fit anymore. But since I have opened up I have seen that I was wrong. Life is a journey that never stops shaping us. So just because we change, it doesn’t mean others won’t still like us. H says there are facial expressions that I don’t pull anymore, but that could just be that I’ve grown up rather than the brain injury.

H likes to try to spread happiness and make others smile even when she feels like crying herself. And this is what makes her special. So H, I’m sorry I didn’t let you in earlier. Just having another person to share this with would have been what I needed, but I thought I was being selfless by not.

I’m telling you this because I don’t want others to make the mistake I did. As I explained in Relationships vanish magnifying the trauma of brain injury , many of us do find some can’t cope. Don’t automatically think people don’t want to know the details or can’t help. It’s not even that anyone has to do anything in particular, it’s just knowing they are there for you. If there is someone you haven’t spoken to in a while who never had the full details of your experience, maybe trying reaching out to them. You might be surprised. You have nothing to lose, and perhaps a lot to gain.

Is there someone you with you could open up to? Or is there someone who has been your rock that you couldn't have done it without?

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Unstable emotional lability after brain injury can be tense

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 23 Jan 2017 16:32:31 +0000

It can be just a normal day, no particular dramas, but I will have a sudden turn. I might have even been having fun and laughing earlier, but something in me changes. I’ve tried analysing it when it happens, but I don’t think I can really get past the heavy dark feeling. The best I can do when going through emotional lability like this is be quiet so I don’t say something I might regret.

I do empathise with those around me who are confused by my behaviour

We’ve all been there; someone you care about is being unnaturally quiet and you know something is wrong. Your mind moves at a million miles an hour to try to work it out. And the conclusion that usually sticks is “It’s me, I’ve done something, but what?”

The reality is when I have an emotional lability episode there usually isn’t a guilty party, it’s just me and my unhelpful brain injury. I know it would help to try to tell those around me that. But even when I do it just sounds like a cover up, like when someone says “I’m fine.”

Emotional lability can include responses such as laughing, which I previously wrote about in Laughing in the face of brain injury, ludicrously hilarious. (Thanks to all the readers who named the term for me as I didn’t know it before.) But I wanted to talk about the other side which bothers me more.

Excessive crying

In many ways I have improved dramatically in this area. But still I can be overtaken by something, and as no one can understand my speech when I’m crying, it can cause panic.

For example, the other day one of my Dads lifelong friends told me he was going to visit him. He explained how that day he had got the sad news that another of his old friends had lost their battle when cancer. So he didn’t want to keep putting it off, seeing as he and my Dad are in their 80’s there is no time like the present. Seeing as that meant driving well over 100 miles each way to see him, I was touched. I hope when I’m my Dads age I have such loyal friends.

All that was fine, it was when I was trying to tell my partner James what had motivated my Dads friend that got me. I do not know the cancer patient so I wasn’t grieving. I suppose it was just the sentiment that when someone is in their twilight years, you can’t afford to keep putting things off, as everything can change in a day.

Poor James. He heard the word “died” and had to keep asking me who I was referring too. As I just fell apart, he thought I meant my Dad had died. A few deep breathes and some tea, enabled my to start again.

Common triggers for emotional lability

We are all individuals, so we all respond to different triggers. But here are some of the most likely ones:

Anxiety and stress
Too much stimulation from noise, light or too many people
Feeling under pressure
Talking about a subject which is close to the heart
Another person being highly emotional

Possible solutions

When a moment hits you need to take a rest. My quiet moments might be confusing for others, but my brain just can’t keep trying to do everything. So by giving it some time to calm down it’s able to start the recharge process.

Distractions can really work wonders. For example when James realised my Dad was still very much alive, he showed me very cute videos. They always make me smile and feel better. But more importantly in this situation they help me think about something other than what made me upset so I reset.

Doing an activity like walking also helps. As you are using different parts of your brain and experiencing a different environment, this also is a great way to reset your brain.

How do you make sure your family and friends know it's not their faulty or take offence? Have you got any tips take help you reset?

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