emotional response Archives - Jumbledbrain

Why outbursts after a brain injury happen

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Thu, 16 Jul 2020 11:46:49 +0000

As someone who took care of her father as Alzheimer’s took away the person he was, I have always felt great empathy for family and friends of a brain injury survivor. I know it’s not easy and can even be heartbreaking. However, I have seen a lot of comments from various people asking for ideas on how to reduce the number of outbursts from the survivor in their life. This then prompts people to start talking about what drugs to try them on, which I disagree with as only their doctors who know their medical history should be commenting on this otherwise it can be dangerous. They will help identify what is causing the outbursts after a brain injury, as this could be physical pain, an infection or mental health issues like depression. My dad struggled a lot with this, getting angry with his carers, and his doctor and I had a good chat about it. As he was still mourning the death of my mum, and the upheaval in how much his life was changing, we agreed he was suffering from depression. It did help him get control of his reactions, but as all drugs have side effects it was important to talk this decision through with someone who could review all his other medications as well. Instead I thought I would try to help people understand what is happening on a very basic and relatable level which could help it feel more manageable.

“Like a Bear with a sore head.”

We’ve all heard this expression and many of us use it when referring to someone who seems angry and/or grumpy. But have you ever really thought about what you’re actually describing? An injured animal who can’t explain to you how they feel, but their pain as making them more aggressive because they are feeling more vulnerable than normal. Or how about when you take your injured pet to the vet? My cat Dexter loves people, and is the most laid back creature you’ll ever meet. But there was one time he had a cat bite on his head that got infected. It was very uncomfortable for him and the vet flushed it through with saline to clean it and injected him with antibiotics. Well he bit the vet has hard as he could and was using very colourful language at her. She was doing what had to be done to help him and yet he had this outburst at her. Does that make him ungrateful? No, it makes him scared, confused and in pain.

Don’t assume they are seeing the situation the same way you are.

It’s very easy for a brain injury survivor to become overwhelmed with what’s happening around them. Even just bright lights, too much noise or crowds of people can over stimulate them. It might seem calm enough to you, but it can feel chaotic to them. Again, think about when you are transporting your pet to the vet; you often can help calm them by covering their pet carrier in cloth to cut down the light. It’s not that they’re stupid and as long as they can’t see anything they become calm, it’s because you’re reducing the visual stimuli. The more an individual becomes overwhelmed the more defensive they become because they just want something to stop.

Now, if you’re thinking “I get that Michelle, but I expect a cat to act like that because it can’t say what it feels and I can’t explain what is happening. But I have explained to my survivor what’s happening and it’s nothing to worry about and yet they still bite my head off”, you need to accept that a brain injury can interrupt that communication process. Even if they seem to have understood you, or you think you understand what they are experiencing, be open to the fact that it’s not always as black and white as that.

Allow the situation to diffuse.

Once someone has become upset, scared, overwhelmed or paranoid, the best thing is to allow them to calm down. That could be reducing the noise, distracting them with an activity they enjoy or just leaving the room. When I’m getting wound up James makes me a cup of tea and gives me the cat. These 2 things always calm me down. I might then be very quiet whilst I reflect on what got me so uptight, but that’s a good thing. I often find that the following day I can talk about what got me into that state properly. James’ patience is key here. With his kind smiling eyes I can see he wants the best for me and he gently asks if I’m feeling any better but doesn’t go into an interrogation. By giving me the space I need I’m able to find the words in my own time to describe what happened. Plus, I reflect on my behaviour and can start to appreciate what my triggers where. This is really important as we can both learn what to do differently in the future to be able to intervene before it gets so bad. If you struggle to work out why it’s happening, together you could keep a diary so you can look for any patterns in their triggers.

If it’s a particular task that they are reacting to, consider if it has to be done right now.

There were times that my dad just didn’t want to get out of his PJ’s. I don’t blame him, we’ve all had days like that! But imagine what it’s like to have someone trying to force you to get dressed when you just don’t want to. When you’re a kid you have to accept that your parents are in charge and when they say “get dressed”, you get dressed. But when you’re an adult you’re used to making your own decisions. You don’t want to be bossed around and then it can make you defensive. So unless dad had to get dressed to go to an appointment, he was allowed to stay in his PJ’s until he wanted to get changed. That might be an hour later, or it might not be at all that day, but as it wasn’t doing him or anyone else any harm, it didn’t matter.

I know it can feel like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place seeing as you’re only trying to help yet sometimes it can feel like you can’t get anything right. Believe me, I’ve been there…. on both sides. So that’s why I want to break it down into 5 steps for you to be able to make things more comfortable for you and the brain injury survivor going forward.

5 steps for managing outbursts.

Identify what the problem is – Is their environment comfortable? Are they reacting to someone else’s attitude? Are they in pain?
Examine the situation – Does it always occur in the same place or with particular people? Keep a diary to be able to track patterns.
How is the survivor feeling when the outburst happens? – Do they feel patronised or ignored? Is something making them anxious? Are they becoming overwhelmed and tired or are they feeling misunderstood and frustrated?
What are they reacting to? – Are the struggling to cope with a change? Are they having an unpleasant memory or is someone’s personality provoking them?
Make a strategy – Look back at your tracking notes so you can avoid situations which cause the outbursts. Remember that a method that works well one day might not be the right one next time. You need to develop a few different methods, because we are humans not robots. Make sure you are working with them, not against them.

Other articles you may like:

Are you a brain injury survivor who feels no one understands your outbursts? Or are you a family/friend who has got tips that can help others?

The post Why outbursts after a brain injury happen appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

Guest post: Top tips for dating after receiving a traumatic brain injury

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 20 Apr 2020 11:28:41 +0000

Brandon Leuangpaseuth is a freelance copywriter from San Diego, CA. Brandon is an avid traveler, book enthusiast and loves animals. He loves exploring new places and going on long walks on the beach. You can connect with him on LinkedIn @ bleuangpaseuth.

Today he wants to share with you his personal experience of dating after receiving a traumatic brain injury, including his top tips for how to successfully settle down with the right person.

In 2015, I was hit by a car and I received a severe traumatic brain injury. A brain injury that left me without the ability to remember what I had done the day prior, constant fatigue, and the need to sleep more than usual. I have openly written and shared my journey to recovery since the incident on Jumbled Brain’s blog… From my struggles to graduating from college while dealing with the detrimental effects of my brain injury to struggling to work a full-time job (but finding a great career that worked with my TBI!) to coping with the everyday changes, my brain injury has had on my life.

Now, the next strenuous chapter I face while living with a brain injury is…dating. (Honestly, dating without a brain injury was already hard enough!) Dating with a brain injury opens up a slew of other obstacles that make it even more arduous. In this article, I want to spread how I learned to cope with the new obstacles my brain injury has had on my dating life.

The Importance of Communication

My doctor once told me a brain injury is only invisible to the outside world if I did not tell people about my head injury. What he meant by that other people will not know I suffer some negative effects from an unseen disability, unless I inform them of it. It can definitely be a tough conversation to have. At first, I struggled with telling people about my brain injury because I was ashamed and I wanted nothing more than to be normal. As time passed, I’ve come to terms with my head injury.

I made it a point to tell everyone who I dated after the car accident about my brain injury. I want to let my partner know what they were getting into before they started to date me. That I do have a lingering invisible disability that would impact the relationship. I’ve had some partners that said it was not a big deal until they had to deal with some of the issues I faced when dealing with a brain injury.

I have to let them know that I can be quite forgetful and I get horrific TBI exhaustions that make me take an enormous amount of naps throughout a day. Sometimes I can’t drive for long hours or stay out too late because my body would get too fatigued and I would need to sleep.

After I communicated with my partner, they would understand that I needed a nap whenever I got brain fog.

Being honest with my partner about some of the hurdles I face and that the effects it would have on the relationship have been extremely helpful. Telling my partner ahead of time some situations where the effects of my brain injury would come into play has helped my partner understand me better.

Dealing With the Dreaded Fatigue and Brain Fog

Fatigue is the absolute biggest issue I face. Hands down it is the worst part of my brain injury. My partner would get mad at me when I would fall asleep watching a movie in every theatre date we had or when I would say I could not stay out any longer because I was getting some serious brain fog. Of course, I want to spend time or being out late nights with my partner…but it is just harder with a brain injury. I would get pretty sad when I had to tell my partner that I can’t stay out late on some date nights because I was too tired.

The best solution for me was to plan ahead of time. I’m a freelance writer so I would write in the mornings and take my naps throughout the day if I had a big date that night or an outing. I would also pack some bottles of black teas to keep with me in case I needed to stay awake.

I would also make sure to use ride-sharing applications on some night outs because I know I’d be too exhausted to drive later.

I can’t stress it enough that preparation is key when you are dating with a brain injury.

Being Confident in Myself

Right after I received the brain injury, I had a lot of confidence issues. I used to pride myself on being a pretty academic and intelligent guy, but when I could not even remember what I did the day prior and I had difficulty forming cogent thoughts…I started to second guess that belief.

Thoughts of “who would date somebody with a TBI” started to pop into my head…

I felt like damaged goods.

–and my own thoughts and how I felt about myself flowed out into my dating life. People around me can sense my lack of confidence whenever I interacted with them.

If I didn’t even want to date myself, who would want to date me…

So, the first step was rebuilding some confidence in myself. I started to routinely hit the gym, cleaned up my diet and really worked on reframing how I thought about my brain injury. I realized that if someone didn’t completely accept me for who I was, a guy with a brain injury, why would I want to date that person? I had to learn how to be loved for who I was and accept all parts of me. If a girl was not interested in dating me because of my disability, then it was her loss! With this mindset, I started to be more confident with myself in my dating life.

Here’s to Dating With A Brain Injury

If you have a brain injury and you are struggling with dating, hang in there. Hopefully, my tips can make it a little bit easier to dating someone when you have a brain injury. Being honest with your partner, being prepared for dates and reframing how you think about your brain injury can go a long way.

I wish you the best of luck on your dating journey and I hope you stay safe!

Other articles you may like:

Have you tried dating after receiving a traumatic brain injury? Do you have any tips for other survivors?

The post Guest post: Top tips for dating after receiving a traumatic brain injury appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

Guest post: 7 Common Behavioral Effects of Brain Injury and How to Deal With Them

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 23 Jul 2019 19:46:30 +0000

Today’s article is written by Hazel Ann Westco.

Hazel Ann Westco is a start-up freelance writer. She is interested in writing blogs and articles related to legal cases mainly in personal injury and employment. Whenever she has free time she rides her bicycle or motorcycle for a road trip. You can follow her on Twitter using her handle @AnnWestco.

She has looked into some of the behavioral effects of brain injury and has some tips on what to do when they arise.

A brain injury can have various physical, cognitive, medical, emotional, and behavioral effects on head injury survivors. Of these changes, behavioral changes can be one of the most challenging for survivors to overcome to live happier and more independently. To help survivors with traumatic brain injury (TBI), families and caregivers should learn to understand their behavior and develop practical ways to address those challenges.

Why Does Brain Injury Affect Emotions?

Behavioral problems following TBI are often the result of damage to the frontal lobe, the area of the brain that controls “executive functions.” Executive functions refer to the set of skills a person uses to plan, create, evaluate, organize, evaluate, reason, communicate, and solve problems. These impairments have a significant impact on how a person behaves.

Common Behavioral Changes Experienced by TBI Survivors

Human behavior is complex and multi-faceted. This means it can be difficult to isolate which behavior is a result of TBI. A TBI patients behavior is, after all, influenced by many different factors, like the nature of the injury, their pre- and post-injury experience, their cognitive abilities, or the behavior of other people. But some of the most common behavior changes encountered by TBI survivors include:

1. Memory Problems

Most people diagnosed with a brain disorder may experience memory problems, but they are more common among TBI survivors as a result of an injury from the bony protrusions inside the skull. Typical situations include forgetting a person’s name, losing a train of thought, and difficulty learning new things.

2. Temper Outbursts

Family members of people with TBI often describe their loved one as someone with a quick temper. They may use bad language, throw objects, or slam doors. Drastic changes like the loss of independence and inability to follow a conversation, in particular, can make a person with TBI more prone to these temper outbursts.

3. Depression

Depression among people with TBI can arise because of the struggle to adjust to disabilities and the changes to one’s role in the family and society. Symptoms of depression include feelings of worthlessness, suicidal thoughts, changes in sleep and appetite, and withdrawal from peers.

4. Poor Concentration

TBI affects a person’s attention and concentration abilities, posing a challenge to work, study, and everyday living. Poor concentration manifests itself in difficulty multitasking, following conversations, and processing information. This happens when the lateral intraparietal cortex—the region of the brain responsible for controlling attention—suffers damage.

5. Self-Centered Attitude

It’s common for TBI survivors to show signs of egocentrism. In turn, this could hamper their ability to see things from another person’s point of view which severely impact their relationship with family members, especially if they used to be a caring person. And although it is often taken for granted, the ability to understand another’s perspective is a complex cognitive skill.

6. Aggressive Behavior

Aggressive behavior following a TBI is often impulsive. A person with TBI can easily grow agitated over trivial disagreements. Experts explain that aggression that happens directly after the TBI is the result of delirium and other post-injury medications. Aggression up to three months after TBI, on the other hand, happens as a result of depression, chronic pain, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

7. Lower Sex Drive

A decreased desire or interest in sex is more common among TBI survivors than heightened libido. Disinhibited sexual behavior can be a possible effect of poor awareness and impulsivity. Changes in sexual functioning following TBI can be due to hormonal changes, medication side effects, fatigue, and movement problems.

Coping with a Loved One with Head Injury

People with TBI showing signs of these behavior problems should be evaluated by a doctor so they can receive proper treatment. On top of medical intervention, friends and family of survivors should also actively participate in rehabilitation, recovery, and advocacy.

1. Set Realistic Expectations

Brain injury has lifelong effects. It pays to understand that a person with TBI might already be trying his or her best. Every member of the family can have different abilities, skills, comfort levels, and limitations, so set small goals and acknowledge that every day is an achievement.

2. Get Involved

Behavioral problems are often hard to deal with. But try to resist the temptation of avoiding difficult situations. People with TBI could end up feeling more confused and isolated if left alone. Instead, get involved and familiarize yourself with their day-to-day routine.

3. Encourage Independence

Learning how to comfort a loved one with TBI is a must. But tread carefully: there is a fine line between caring for people and smothering them with affection. Try to instill independence and study their behavior to know the right time to provide comfort.

4. Reinforce Positive Behavior

What used to come easy to a TBI survivor may now feel extremely difficult. Reinforce positive behavior by focusing on the patient’s strengths, rather than pointing fingers or directing behavior.

5. Rediscover Preferences

Stay alert and pay attention to the wants and needs of a person with TBI. Discover new ways they can engage in activities and establish a balance between easy and difficult tasks. And always encourage them to participate, instead of assuming that their injury makes them unable to.

6. Confide with Loved Ones

Honesty is the best policy, and confiding in friends and family members can help alleviate the burden. Enlisting others for support can provide a fresh perspective and make it easier to identify triggers and how to avoid them.

7. Bounce Back Quickly

Accept that encountering behavioral problems is a part of life. Avoid getting stuck by teaching

new skills while a person is upset. Bounce back quickly from these obstacles then revisit them again later since people aren’t receptive to learning new things when they’re upset.

Other articles you may like:

Have you or a brain injury survivor you know struggled with these behavioural issues? What advice would you give to others?

The post Guest post: 7 Common Behavioral Effects of Brain Injury and How to Deal With Them appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

Guest post: Kelly Ribeiro on brain injury, “Heal first, life can wait.”

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 03 Apr 2018 14:57:35 +0000

Today’s post shows how determination alone isn’t enough to put life back together after a brain injury. Kelly Ribeiro had a true passion for her career, and appeared to be defying the odds when she continued to climb the career ladder following her car accident. But then suddenly it took a second bite out of her….

Heal first, life can wait

I was driving home in the early morning after a Friday night out. My blood alcohol level was .01, so it was well below the legal limit and it would be fair to say it didn’t impact my driving. The details are a little hazy, but I believe I swerved to avoid an animal. My car went onto the grass sloped divide between the North & South carriageways where I was ejected out of the sun roof. This was despite wearing a seatbelt, in my brand new car. Not only did I suffer a traumatic brain injury, but I also broke all major bones except my left arm. I was left in a coma for three months.

Since then I have had approximately 20+ surgeries. It is a blessing & a curse, but I recall, now 21 years later, most of what happened from the night of my accident to the time I entered the rehab in Braintree Massachusetts. However from then my memory is sketchy. I am not sure I was cognitive 24 hours a day when I was then moved, but thanks to insurance I had little choice but to go with it. After relearning basic life skills over again, four months after sustaining my brain injury, I was sent home. But I was not independently walking or able to fully care for myself.

As soon as I was home and able to regain life, I hurried back to work. I worked for a National Mutual Insurance Company, I loved my job. A job I had no memory of what to do beside knowing my love for it. I worked the next 18 years having countless number of surgeries and needing ‘brain breaks” and suffering from epilepsy. Each year, despite my condition I was rewarded with raises and a promotion.

Then one day, I realized what had happened. I had no support, understanding or compassion at that point from my employer. I had a break down. It hit me; I’d almost died! This caused a major depression which brought many of my deficits up front and center. My short-term memory was at its worst, my gate had become obviously hindered. Almost as if I had caused a second brain injury thru emotion. My employer would not wait for me to “get better” again.

Today, no longer employed, I work daily to regain what I was able to do following my accident when I returned to work so I can get my life back. Not only financially but emotionally.

My message to all is to feel, you need to heal first, life can wait.

Other articles you may like:

Did you try to return to work? How did your employer respond?

The post Guest post: Kelly Ribeiro on brain injury, “Heal first, life can wait.” appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

How my self-esteem plummeted after a brain injury.

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 14:49:27 +0000

Before my brain injury, and being a realist about my strengths and weaknesses, I was comfortable with them. I was in my early 30’s, and had just got to that point when you really know yourself. Being honest with myself meant I achieved things by playing to my strong points, and asking for support on the things I wasn’t confident in. (Sounds obvious but previously I had been too scared to admit when I was finding something hard.) Life was good, and my self-esteem was in the best place it has ever been.

Enter stage left: Brain injury shakes everything up.

By now you will have heard me talk about how my career ended following my accident. And you might have read how looking for a new job didn’t pan out well for me in Unexpected interviewing disaster for TBI survivor. All of which is bad news for anyone’s self-esteem. But maybe that’s just ego, and I’m over that (sort of).

I have a problem with ME. My consciousness, spirit, soul…. whatever you want to call it. Weirdly, I’m not even sure that I’d noticed. That is until my partner, James, said to me “What’s with all the negative self talk?” This was after days of me listing my perceived faults at any given opportunity. I left like I was just being realistic and acknowledging the facts. But actually this is a change in my “self-concept.”

What is self-concept?

This is the feeling that you’re not the person you were, cognitively or physically, wrapped up in your level of self-esteem. But I’d been through to darkest phase of wondering what was the point of surviving my accident to be left with this inferior version of me. As I knew what that felt like, and how all-consuming it is to question your own existence, I had been brushing under the carpet what I was now feeling.

It appears to me that this can keep coming in waves or cycles. First when you return home and start to see how you can’t go back to life as it was is the first one. But then you adjust and on some level accept what you can achieve. However I allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security. Yes I’ve come a long way, and I do have a place in this world. But as my priorities had changed I’d let go of my vanity. I’d become fat and ugly. (Please don’t feel the need to write in telling me what a ‘beautiful’ woman I am. I realise that this is my inner voice being unreasonably hard on me, and I’m not attention seeking or craving compliments.) I think as my life moves forward my attention and priorities move. Thus I have become more interested again in my appearance and how the world sees me. Basically I am regretting letting myself go.

The importance of self-care.

I thought to worry about my appearance was self-centered. When you have been faced with your own mortality and continuing health issues it seemed trivial. But that’s really not the case. I know pride is one of the seven deadly sins and as I’m an atheist you might think I’m falling into its trap. But you have to look after yourself in order to have the strength to give to others. I know I said this before in Confess to pressure: being a voice of brain injury, so I’m not going to bang that drum again. Just know that it’s something that you have to keep coming back to and maintain it.

I know that as a natural part of aging everyone has to face changes in their life. Be it our role in society or how our bodies change, no one is immune. Of course each stage means we have to adjust, and sometimes it’ll be harder than others. You don’t need to feel like you’re failing just because it’s hard. After all, it’s the biggest challenges that teach us the most.

Do you struggle with your self-esteem following a brain injury? Have you got an advice you want to give to others?

The post How my self-esteem plummeted after a brain injury. appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

Is my brain injury making me a bad friend?

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 13 Feb 2018 15:18:13 +0000

Most people need descent sleep to be able to function well in their day to day lives. But for brain injury survivors it’s their life line. Sleep allows the brain time to recover from the day, and when you have a brain injury your poor little noggin runs close to melt down a lot. I have tried to explain this to friends and family, but I’m not sure everyone quite understands. It could be that because I don’t work they think I can just catch up on sleep some other time. And this is true, but that doesn’t mean it fits in with my schedule. So does it make me a bad friend for not wanting to take their calls when I’m trying to sleep?

How much is too much?

I have always tried to be the friend I wish I had, so if someone has an emergency I will try to help. That has included times when people have had a night on the town, and suddenly realised they haven’t got any money for a taxi home. So I have dragged myself out of bed to go rescue them. It’s the right thing to do, and I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them just because I was too lazy to help them in their hour of need.

There have been times that people just need a chat because they are feeling really low. Again, I understand the need to feel there is someone out there who will listen when you are facing hard times. So I have taken many of these calls in the middle of the night and tried to be helpful. But when this starts to become a pattern I feel like I don’t want to keep doing it. My partner James tells me to ignore it as I can’t physically continue, but that makes me a bad friend. It’s not that I don’t care, I do empathise with them. I would happily take their call during the day, or evening, because that’s better for my schedule. They would get more from me then as my brain would be in a better condition to respond.

I’m not using my brain injury as an excuse.

They say you can count your real friends on the fingers of one hand. (I’m not sure if that means you can include your thumb or not.) But thinking like that can make you more sceptical about people and give up on them too early if all the fingers on that hand have already been booked. But I do find it difficult to reconcile how when someone knows about my brain injury, why they would continue to push my boundaries. Perhaps they think I use it as an excuse seeing as I have recovered a lot (but will never fully.) I’m not saying they are being a bad friend when this happens, but I do need a little more understanding from them.

If you find the brain injury survivor in your life doesn’t always respond how you need them to, maybe a change in your approach might help.

Consider time – are they going to be well enough or will they be battling with brain fog?
Think about location – try to minimise distractions. You might think it’s great to meet for coffee, but the ambient noise might be overwhelming for them.
Are they better face to face or on the phone? – when you can’t see a persons face to get the social cues from their expressions, it can put extra pressure on word finding and understanding. This can be even more draining.
Judging when they are flagging – it’s nothing personal when we run out of energy. An intense conversation sucks our reserves like how the battery on your phone depletes when you use it non stop. Please remember to consider how they are coping even when your crisis hasn’t found a resolution or closure.

A brain injury doesn’t turn you into a bad friend, I just like to think of myself as a “very limited edition.” (Pun intended.) I can’t solve everything, or get involved as much. You can still get great things from me, but they are precious so it’s only while stocks last.

Other articles you may like:

Do you question if your brain injury has made you a bad friend? Is it reasonable to put a limit on what friendship means?

The post Is my brain injury making me a bad friend? appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

A brain injury is enough of a challenge, so choose your battles wisely.

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Thu, 18 Jan 2018 18:53:57 +0000

Everybody has to decide what is important to them, and take actions to protect and nurture them. Equally, as we don’t have endless resources, we have to decide what things we are going to ignore as they don’t really matter. This process is fondly referred to as when you “choose your battles”. We all have different factors that something has to meet to qualify as important. But I have found that living with a brain injury makes my important list a very exclusive one.

How priorities change.

A brain injury can mean emotions can come and go suddenly, but be explosive whilst they visit. This causes great stress and anxiety, whilst soaking up lots of precious energy (which isn’t in abundant supply.) This can happen because emotions are closely linked to the fight or flight response. As Dr Erin Olivo explains here, this is your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe (particularly since if you have a brain injury you have already had a close shave.)

Over time, I have slowly been trying to reset my emotional responses, by being more mindful about each situations merits. I wrote previously in Complacent but not carefree after brain injury, how my priorities have changed, making some things no longer feature on my important list.

But just because I might decline certain battles, it doesn’t mean I don’t care.

There’s lots of things that are important to me. For example, if I could I would make it so that creatures don’t have to eat each other to survive. But I can’t, so whilst I care deeply about their survival, I have to let this issue go. It’s just too big (and impossible) for me to tackle, so that agenda is “GAME OVER”.

But things can be on the opposite end of the scale, too small to waste effort on. However, it’s these things that often get people riled up. This could be someone nicked your packing space. It has consequences as it causes you temporary inconvenience, and their lack of respect is offensive. But it’s not the end of the world. Nevertheless that doesn’t stop us getting upset about it, and calling that person every name under the sun.

How would you feel about this battle?

Regular readers might remember in Held back by weakness from brain injury, I talked about a new front door we had installed. Well, it has a small crack in the window which was there when it was delivered. Apparently they can’t just replace the glass, it has to be the whole door. So they reordered it, and after much chasing, they made the appointment to come and replace it. I was told to expect them on Friday morning, so I waited. They never showed up, and I called the area manager. He claimed he didn’t know what had happened, and asked for time to look into it. He never called me back, so before the close of play, I called him again. Apparently the door didn’t even come into stock until that afternoon. Quiet frankly, that’s pathetic.

So he promised me the installers would be with me by 9 am on Tuesday. Tuesday comes and at 8.45 am he is calling me, and I brightly answer the phone, “Good morning Keith!*” (*I have changed his name here.) He sheepishly started with, “Morning Miss Munt, don’t shout at me, but….” Ah, the dreaded but! Turns out the replacement door had been sent in with the same problem and they had only just noticed.

There’s lots of things I could have said to this. However I chose to laugh, and just accept it. The customer experience is dreadful, and at this stage I’m not sure if Keith is being honest with me, or just covering his arse. But it makes no difference. Getting upset about it wouldn’t change anything. Alright, I probably could demand some money back, but that wouldn’t solve it. All I want is a nice new fitted door without faults, like I asked for. Instead I opted to save my breath and energy, as my brain injury has more important battles to contend with. You might think that makes me a walkover. I think it makes me a survivor.

How do you choose your battles? Or does your brain injury keep picking unnecessary fights?

The post A brain injury is enough of a challenge, so choose your battles wisely. appeared first on Jumbledbrain.

Clamming up about my brain injury stings relationships

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Tue, 26 Sep 2017 18:34:17 +0000

At times I’m just too tired to explain how I’m feeling. (You might have noticed I write less often than I used to and that’s one of the reasons for it.) Sometimes there is a storm of emotions inside me which I realise are irrational but I can’t quell them. So to avoid saying anything that I would later regret, I find myself clamming up. But my face rarely gets the memo and goes into full on sulky mode. I’m so bored of this brain injury, I wish I could direct my anger at it and evict it from my head. Sadly it doesn’t work like that though.

At the time clamming up feels like the lesser of two evils. But maybe it isn’t.

My silence carries more weight than I intend it to. All I’m doing it trying to contain my poisonous tongue. Some people go quiet for dramatic effect, waiting for someone to ask “What’s wrong, you’ve hardly said a word today?” I guarantee you, that when you are struggling with a brain injury there is no such thing as dramatic effect.

Even when I’m trying to be mindful, holding my tongue is the best I can do. I might be sulking about my partner James having to work so much, and having less time with him. As he is the only one bringing in a income, I know I can’t begrudge him for being so conscientious. In fact, I know he would like nothing more than being able to work less, or even take early retirement. But currently neither are an option. So I try to remind myself of this and empathise with his position. And it works, but not for my brain injury. It just keeps complaining and dragging me down.

How silence leaves too many unanswered questions.

My grumpiness is too obvious, and I know it makes James feel guilty. But he has nothing to feel guilty about. He has been truly amazing the entire time. Superman hasn’t got a patch on this guy. If the world had more people like him in it, people wouldn’t need heaven.

But he still doubts himself as he can read my face. So eventually I manage to spill, but I start with a disclaimer: “I know I’m being stupid, and here’s the reason why it’s stupid …..blah,blah,blah…. but I can’t help it. I’m upset about ….x,y,z….. because…..”

This really does help the situation, it’s just a shame it takes me so long to be in a position where I can do it. James is getting used to my behaviour, but he is only human (although he’s as close to an angel as you can get.) When I am clamming up, his mind is running a million miles an hour, thinking of all the things I might be annoyed about. I do feel bad for torturing him like this as he doesn’t deserve it. So here’s a shout out for all the carers who somehow put up with the nonsense some of us survivors put them through.

I’m tired and I’ve run out of words again so I’m going to leave it there. I think you get the point, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who is going through this.

Other articles you may like:

Do you find yourself clamming up, or are you the opposite? If you say everything that is going on in your mind does it work out well for you?

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Can a brain injury make you more creative?

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Wed, 13 Sep 2017 14:37:02 +0000

Immediately following my brain injury I struggled with my coordination. As someone who was pretty good at painting and drawing, I found this distressing as I was robbed of my skills. Whilst I didn’t engage in artwork all the time, it was still good to know I could do it if I wanted to. Some people are good at singing, or sports, but I was always lacking at both. So it was comforting to know I had my creative streak as my “talent”. I believe everyone has a talent, whether they have discovered it yet or not.

I worried I had lost my “talent” forever.

The word talent is in quotation marks, as it’s the only word I could think of. But actually it’s for observers to judge if the level of ability can be classed as a talent. Forgive me, I’m not being arrogant, it’s just my lack of vocabulary.

Feeling I could no longer be artistic was like saying goodbye to just another part of me. Particularly since creative activities are recommended for many kinds of rehabilitation, I took it as a slap in the face. Any time it was suggested to me, it served as a reminder for what I couldn’t do anymore. My coordination coupled with my double vision, meant I struggled with accuracy. Whilst I understood that as my brain relearned how to work better I would improve, frustration and impatience would take over me.

But when I took the pressure off myself, things started to happen….

Life moved on, and I stopped focusing on what I found more difficult due to my brain injury. (I know it feels like I’m always talking about what is tough. Just trust that I only do that for this blog. I promise I don’t bang on about it all the time really.) Since I don’t go to work anymore, and my friends do, I have had to find ways to spend my time (when I’m not napping.)

I didn’t really recognise how I was becoming more creative, until recently. Even when I first started writing this blog, and people asked if I wrote before, I didn’t really think about it. Really it wasn’t until my neighbour told me she thought I should be a creative designer that I started to see it. She had watched as I redesigned our back garden, and completely changed it. And recently had been impressed with what I have been doing to the front of the house recently.

Why have I got the creative bug?

I’m not going to bore you with all the little projects I have been embarking on. I just want to say this – I feel less inhibited with self doubt, and just have a go. It’s not that I necessarily believe in my skills, but I believe in the ideas. That’s what has changed. I have more ideas now. Previously I needed something to copy, but now I can rely on my own inspiration.

An article in Psychology today called Creativity and the Healing Brain, attempts to give a reason why this happens for some people. It could be to do which the change in the brain structure, or a change in confidence. Maybe we become more creative because it’s part of learning to adapt after a brain injury. But either way, I am enjoying the feeling (where it’s real or not.)

By the way if you haven’t already seen some of the Pinterest pins I hide in these pages, have a look. They are just another example of may creativity. You can see them by going to pin the article and it will show it will the other images, or go to the Pinterest Brain Injury Group Board I set up.

Have you become more creative since your brain injury? Or do you miss your artistic flair?

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Am I turning into a control freak with a brain injury?

Michelle #jumbledbrain — Mon, 04 Sep 2017 15:01:40 +0000

I was brought up to be polite and considerate of others. So there wasn’t many times I ever made demands of any body. In fact, I was the person who was likely to be walked all over because I couldn’t say “no”. But now I have to consider how events and activities will affect my brain injury. So I can’t bear not having things my way. I’m worried I’m turning into a control freak.

Dealing with tight spaces

I have a lovely little home, which is fine for James and I. The down stairs is open plan, so even with visitors, there is space for everyone to spread out. With one exception, the galley kitchen. It’s very small, and two people can only just pass one another. (But you have to be good friends as not even a shard of light can sneak between you.) Therefore I don’t particularly like any one in the kitchen with me, apart from James.

At the weekend we had guests over, who I won’t name as I don’t want to embarrass them. Let’s call them Fay and Thomas. Very nice people who have very good manners, thus I don’t want to upset them. Thomas I suspect has lost a little of his hearing. He is by no means deaf, but I think he finds it easier to stand closer to people to make sure he catches what they are saying. This is perfectly understandable. However, in my kitchen it makes this control freak start to get very angry.

The dishwasher is at the end of the kitchen, and as I unloaded it Thomas came to talk to me. The kitchen isn’t even very long, so I could feel his presence and was sure that if I took one step backwards I would bump into him. As I turned round holding some dishes to be put away, I had to ask him to step back so I could put them in the cupboard. I realise he didn’t do anything wrong, but I was feeling like a trapped animal. When an animal feels under threat, they can attack. I was not in danger of any description, but my brain injury can jump off the deep end at times. Even though I was by the back door, so I could escape outside if I needed to, I still felt cornered.

And when the control freak doesn’t get their way, the grump ensues…

As I realised that I was being a bit irrational, I was doing my best to not say something I would later regret. But my face looked like I was chewing wasps. I tried to force smiles, but I’m sure the daggers I had for eyes were a bit of a give away.

Even when we all went and sat in the comfy living room, my mood was ugly. I think I wasn’t even that bad as a hormonal teenager. The stupid thing is, I struggle to tell people what I need to make me comfortable. I just somehow expect them to guess. Just because I wouldn’t ever want to be in someones way, so would automatically leave them lots of space, I can’t expect the same of others. Particularly when I know there was a reason for Thomas’ behaviour.

I don’t want to become a complete control freak, so I’m going to try to nip this in the bud. Luckily I found 10 Ways To Stop Feeling Like You Need To Be In Control All The Time by Lauren Stahl, which I’m going to put into practice. I know it’s common that a brain injury can change your personality, but I’m not proud of this part of me. So I’m sending her the eviction notice now!

Other articles you may like:

Do you find you need to be in control more after your brain injury, or do you prefer to leave it to others? Are you comfortable with this change?

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