People accept that thanks to my brain injury, my memory can be like a sock with a hole. – Most of the foot is happy enough, but if you focus on the toe who is forced into a strip act, that’s a different story. But the bit that seems to be harder to accept, is that I can’t always be sure of the order of events.
I would be a terrible police witness.
The more you question me to try to get me to pinpoint the details, the worse I get. Even when it’s a subject I brought up I can quickly realise I am more sketchy than I thought. For example, I might have done something, like found a website that’s really useful and be recommending it to someone. Should they ask how I found it in the first place, I might be confused. A third person may try to remind me they told me about it. Whilst I might remember we briefly spoke about it, I’m not sure if that was before or after I came across it.
It’s not that I don’t want to give credit where it’s due, I just can’t be sure that it happened in that order. So in this instance I would accept they are right and move on. After all that’s a stupid thing to argue about anyway. But what if it was something more important?
If I start to worry I’ve don’t something wrong, I can picture the events but start to panic about which came first. In my local area there are lots of serious pot holes on the roads. Recently, when driving in the dark my partner James drove over one that was so vicious it bent his alloy wheel. I think the same one got me, but just threw my tracking out. I mentioned this to James’ Dad. He asked why one of us hadn’t warned the other about the offending pot hole. Sensible question, but then my brain froze.
“Oh no, could I have prevented the damage to his car…..?”
I couldn’t even remember when James and I have talked about it and decided we could have been victims of the same gaping hole. Who had brought the subject up? I knew I would have been about to commence the long 3 hour + journey to see my Dad. But was that before or after James’ damage? I didn’t care if James had done it first and not warned me. I was concerned I had caused him inconvenience and money.
James and his Mum swiftly changed the subject to something less contentious. I was clearly floundering and my distress was obvious. Later as James and I discussed it, we realised it might have been the same day. He leaves before 6 am for work, and that day I left at 7.45 am. We didn’t get the chance to speak until the evening. That’s when he said how he pulled over because his car was making a terrible noise that morning. He thought it was a slow puncture to begin with. Anyway, it was neither parties fault. The first opportunity we had to warn one another was too late.
I imagine my behaviour looks like that of a guilty party.
My active imagination starts to misread the situation.
Judge Judy always says “If you tell the truth you don’t have to have a good memory.” So when I’m saying I don’t know, does that make me look like I’m hiding something?
Maybe I need to watch less of that program and actually get a life. I seem to be always assuming the worst. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to that. Perhaps it’s partly my own frustration at not being able to be certain of the facts. Maybe that holey sock will be darned one day, and that toe can warm up.
If you want to read more about how frustrating and confusing my life can be, I suggest you read Brain injury brain fog.
Do you struggle with the order of events? Do you also feel like a criminal at times?